Emotional neglect

What does emotional neglect feel like? It feels like you are invisible despite being physically alive. The part of you that craves for attentions becomes cold, numb, and goes to the point where you stop feeling your feelings because you don't know what they are and how to address them. 

I was so trauma bonded with my mother and my mother emotionally insecure more so after losing my father suddenly in a massive cardiac arrest, wanted to live through my blind trust in her and which as a child I thought was what was right for me, but little did I realize that she thrived on self pity and sympathy from others and that's what I was used for in order to project my sensitive health as my weakness so that her brothers and their families with whom she and I lived would continue to feel sympathy for her and with this she can sustain being in her self pity web with me alongside entangled in it.

All this complicated layering was too confusing for me as a kid as I assumed that my presence in her life meant something to her but I felt so betrayed and angered and saddened when I realized this fact that she simply conditioned me to be her shadow and the more enmeshed I lived being one, the more restless, sick, and sad I started to become but kept repressing this as I could not bring myself to process, to understand, to distinguish my feelings separate from hers and all this blur that it created in my life was something I didn't know how to deal with and so continued numbing it going to the extent of self forgetfulness, self neglect, lack of setting boundaries, and constantly seeking a sense of exploration, flitting sense of attachments with projects, creative pursuits, and again detaching myself from pursuing my interests more and more as I was too uncertain, overwhelmed, confused, afraid of stepping into being an individual and living like one. 

And so individuality remained a 'concept' in my life and the more I studied on self help, spirituality, philosophies, psychology and so on, the more far away from actualizing my self I became -  it again became a means to detach from putting in efforts to know myself and give attention to myself. Because I was so used to being emotionally neglected and so used to trying to cope with all the material things given that I didn't realize that individuating is a powerful and needed process to discovering who I truly can be. The material things provided satiated and made me feel stuffed, indulged, and somehow cornered into giving in to all the material comforts as if it will stop occurring to me to pick myself up and channelize my energies into putting efforts to becoming more of me. 

I was less of me and more of my mother for decades together that my consciousness, thoughts, feelings, emotions, and anything or everything that I could discern as me was so convoluted living as her shadow, living off her, and living away from me. All the 'effortlessness' it seems to live in my body but live disconnected from my feelings, my mind, my true desires, whatever that be, have made me sort of a clouded headed person who's trying to wipe the spillovers of her mother's influences from her head screen. 

This basic disconnect and confusion within myself doesn't mean I am detached on an elevated sense, but since I was for long neglecting my mental health, I assumed that seeking spirituality would be some sort of bridge to fill this gap within me. Agreed that God or a Higher energy is all about unconditional love and acceptance, compassion and forgiveness, but to expect that He/She do that for me is again cutting myself from connecting to my core which is love, acceptance, compassion and forgiveness (of self and others) and maybe much more. What is within is what you discover and become more of and what validation you seek from outside does not make you more of you -  it just is a hook to seek external understanding of your life situations and conditionings. And living in the midst of a parent who is emotionally neglectful, who has been passed on emotional neglect from her parents and brothers and who just learnt to make do with it, but wanted to latch on to my life, my energies, and my vulnerabilities and trust from my childhood so that she can get a sense of control over her life and my giving in to her reliving my father's sudden demise, her sadness on seeing me get sick which somehow is similar to my father's health and constitution, was just her way of disempowering me and drawing my helplessness, my cloudy judgements, my lack of being connected to my personal ego, space, will power, as means to encroach and cut through my weak boundaries and constantly live off my forced empathy which was a major source of energy drain for me.

And so detaching from these conditionings of my mother's over shadowing, being an indulgent parent, and becoming aware of self care, self discipline, and discovering ways and means for healthy self expression is a new way of life for me. How much loss of mental health and sadness over losing my time, energy, and giving into the dramatic trappings of my mother and her family was something that prevented me from discovering my inner self. I assumed them to be some sort of protective shield which/who kept me safe when I was feeling sick and tired, but little did I realize back then that living in such an emotionally dysfunctional family environment was making me believe that I was weak, helpless, and that my choice to overcome all these is by hiding under this protective shield. I was in fact blocking my natural flow of creativity, spontaneity, and all the ideas that I used to brim with, but since there was a blatant lack of support from my family including my mother in order to help me with a bit of support mentally, emotionally so that I could have opened up freely to talk to them about what I am feeling and what's holding me back, I just caved in, became more and more lazy, dissociated, and ruminated in a make believe fantasy world where I am honest, bold, assertive, communicative, and unafraid of speaking up my thoughts, opinions, and feelings.

I feel like I was some sort of a body without a head, without a sense of direction of where I should go. The intuitions that seemed to whisper, sometimes yell in my ears, and sometimes is an uncomfortable feeling, seemed for me to come from outside, but I only realized gradually that intuitions are answers from a different source, agreed, and not thought out from my mind, but they are responding to what I truly need and are talking to my soul. Since I felt so non existent, I could not piece these sudden messages that seemingly came from outside as I felt and were more or less divinely guided. Although I was not so ritualistic or religiously following pujas or activities and through which I was going closer to the divine energies, but it is their protective energies and guidance and timely blessings that have helped me remember my place here on earth in the midst of challenges, learnings, growth, and reflections, and so on, and so made me understand that I am not entirely all alone as I assumed myself to be. 

Do not allow emotional neglect to grow on you and eat their way into your roots, your life energy, your spark, and your personality. Because emotional neglect keeps you in the dark of your own feelings and emotions, your needs, your highs and lows, it's like an overdosed tranquilizer that seems to cut you off from being human which is all of these and so much more. 

Thriving in emotional neglect is trauma and it cannot be compared to the traumas and challenges of others no matter how big or bigger others problems may seem, but it does not give anyone the right, the power to belittle your struggles, your emotions, and your growth through thick and thin. Because your fights within yourself is real, your restlessness to want to break free from the numbing walls is real, your sadness on having to cope up with others lack of emotional and mental support and for their lack of time, attention towards you is also real, and all these hurt and break you down, but the perseverance to want to rise and stand up and be your own friend, support to become the individual and the human that you can become is also beautifully real. Embrace all this. The most potent antidote to emotional neglect from your parents, your family, your friends, neighbors, and so on is self love.

Self love through awareness of who you are as you discover yourself more and more, your basic likes, moods, opinions, feelings and a lot more is opening that window for genuine self expression, and when being yourself with all these feels just fine, then you don't have to seek approval from outside, because you are enough with what you have, what you don't, they are all part of you. And so, embrace it kindly and without criticism because you deserve it.