My mother in law is a hard to please and high on expectations to want to be pleased person. She is like on this constant roller coaster where her emotions run high and become the reason she gets on a high and swings all her worries to the air no matter how self centered she might become in the process. She feels this deep unlovable her over and over and wants others to love, care for, and nurture her back to being loved almost every single day. She is the most cantankerous inner child that she can be at best projecting her feelings, fears, hearsays, sadness, anger, tantrums, stubbornness and more assuming the world at large would just have all the time to carry it all with maturity and grace that she never wants to learn to embody anyway.
Loving an insecure person is hard. And that she knows deep down is the reason why she doesn't seem to draw the right people who can make her feel good enough about who she is - she is not prepared to receive the honesty in people's feedback and would rather shy away in her well of hopes of being liked, cherished, respected and keep wanting others to reflect on her projections staying in the well and give her what she needs. It's like people see her all over being in the darkness of the well trying to silently scream loud enough for people to hear but they are too lost in their own voices and only respond to their judgements on her rather than who she truly wants people to look into - she has become the ripples in the well in trying to make noise for people to pay attention to her and has lost her own unique flow. She has cut herself off discovering who she could have been had she chosen to venture out of the well but instead sought comfort in the darkness of the well and not feeling inspired in the true light of her actions once she totally and fully decides to come out of it.
She is crabby at best and can only know what feels best for her - the deep dark waters of the well or the sun scorched sands of a life outside. She needs to seek her shell and take a pause on how far she wants to venture out and discover life outside of her choppy emotions, insecurities, comparisons with others, and a slow burn toxicity which has made living in her space more and more restrictive and instead of coming half way to meet herself and her true aspirations, she has chosen to rest in her past glories and pursuits and interwoven them with the duties of her present and chosen to stay away from staying att peace with her present.
There's no treasure trove in the past life diggings for her but sadly she relates doing that to fetching value for herself and proving how right she is in doing so and lost track of her reality in major chunks of time here and there. It's like she can tire people out by being who she is but feels hurt when others suggest ways to sort of undo that - she can't be a blessing onto others just because she has survived many a trauma in the past and assumes she has done a favor by being in our presence or in our lives.
The race to outrun one's true desires and feel low and lost when others don't fuel her enough is an exhausting job for herself as well as those who try to look out for her. She has chosen to lock her potential and has not worked on earning the grace that time brings into one's life and hers is no exception.
To age gracefully doesn't fit her crown and as much as she expects others carve it out and place it with all the love and respect that she thinks she needs, her genuine love and respect for herself is so lacking that no jewel can fill this chest or head.
I have tried liking her and I do in some aspects but it's still an effort honestly to respect her for who she is and I have just accepted this fact for making peace with myself. Age is just a number and things only add up when efforts are taken and channelized from time to time, and if she has given up on that as she seems to have evidently and wants to rest on her past laurels, then she is technically living but not willing to respond to many other challenges, and trust me she has seen a lot harder ones in her earlier life and should have found enough will and confidence by now to take on the rest which are nothing in front of her past problems.
But instead she has become bitter, cynical, manipulative, vengeful, and that doesn't add anything to her overall life resume which could have been truly wow had she learnt to move past her past traumas. She has allowed that to define her potential which is far greater than any financially limiting situations, challenging relationships, physical sustenance testing phase and so on. Her greatness does not lie in speaking at great length of the miseries that she wore until they worsened, but changing into a fresh new attire with some new sets of attitudes without waiting for someone or the other to make it tailormade for her.
Let old hurts be just that. You can't keep wanting to fix them so that they would somehow give you the healing you need. There's no bigger remedy than peace and wanting to be ready to release the wounds out and just allowing oneself to look at life from a new perspective could be life changing and she didn't seem to want to choose that - to let go her past would mean to forgive people, to accept her own lack of awareness, to come face to face with the fact that not everyone is going to like us or accept her, and that she is the protagonist of her life and choosing to play the role of a wannabe role model without tons of drama would have been some sort of do over, at least from my point of view.
A crab that wants to stay in the well and is sadly stuck in the well for she is so caught up in the slippery moss of her own unresolved feelings that she has not found her grip to get her teeth to hang on to life by reminding herself that 'let all things go to hell and I am just off making my way out of this well' would be more of the nurturing that she might need.
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