I kept picking up and observing others thoughts and avoided confronting, challenging, or participating with my opinions in any way as if living in the invisible mode is all I am here for in this lifetime. I was the most apparently invisible person who cringed at any level of attention that came her way and used the guise of supporting others, comforting/counseling others as some of the means to stay away from facing my real inner world myself and hence kept reading others projections of me and the surrounding environment as means of looking out for myself from having to face who I want to be in the present. I was always part of the flow of whatever was around as if I am some sort of inanimate extension to the things around but who just moves around for keeping up with bodily functions.
The 'other' in my mind is more important than who I think I am. A needless sacrifice in retrospect that kept putting myself off the center of my life and kept being in the support others mode for 3 decades and more until I couldn't take being dishonest with myself anymore. This saturation was the overwhelming flow that I was slipping away into and it was my intuition, my soul calling, and a Higher, Divine energy above all else who guided me towards a script that's a beautiful self discovery of sorts in the making.
The letting myself go in this suppressed, suffering in silence inner world that I had locked myself in was something that I had to become aware to release all this unspoken, dysregulated feelings and sadness which again was a lot overwhelming even if there be release but not without triggering all the raw wounds that I had tied with my inner child.
We are not just flesh and blood and materially comforted with beings, but we are a form of energy as we learn to channel our given lives to our goals which bring us joy and connectivity starting from within.
My inner child desperately wanted some form of support so that I can fearlessly bring out my creativity, fun, and thoughts on varied subjects which was absolutely lacking in the family environment where I grew up in. I soon realized back then that people didn't care whether I expressed myself or not and this I took upon myself as a personal limitation and maybe something I do or in some way I behave puts people off and hence it's better to be as rigidly stuck in playing the role of an outgrown child who silently observes all the drama around her but finds herself completely devoid of the stage within her to feel like she's centerstage atleast for my life if not for anyone else's. This feeling that I don't matter and that my opinions don't matter, and only my mother's vociferous projections about my health sensitivities matter and to which the rest of the family sympathized with was already a lost feeling and I was not resilient or strong willed enough to fight this as I assumed that this is how things are naturally and that I am just supposed to adjust with this kind of environment.
I took this self negation as a way of being and denied myself of real frustration, anger, irritation and so much more as if I can and am supposed be only ideal and not real. To fall out of genuine fostering of relationship with oneself is what I am trying to fall back in within myself. To start loving myself as how I need to be loved and not what I expect from others what love needs to be.
It's the roots that matter finally not how tall the tree grows to be. Cherish your inner child and let it be, live it be, and just start falling in love with yourself truly for who you are is my takeaway from my life. What's yours?
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