Being a 'Mr.India' in your life where you feel invisible, where your opinions don't matter, where you struggle to fit in, where you are trying to be everything for everyone, but don't seem to have discovered a voice of your own and feel like you have the freedom to say and be so is what I have or had been all along.
But things shifted quite a bit from these past 5 years and it's largely because of a divine portal that had opened and made the truth of all the above known and come to my awareness and helped me feel my feelings as I believed that all the pain of remaining numb in order to go along with the flow of collective consciousness as I chose to remain invisible was all very real.
I have forgiven myself a bit and also my mother and my uncles and aunts for being so indifferent and stuck in their own ego consuming world where others personalities are nothing but just specks of dust in their spiral.
But there's a beautiful shift yet again which makes me realize that letting go my past and submitting all these pains, the pain of being numb and oblivious to my own pain, the pain of seeing others being stuck in their own worlds and not being sorry for their actions as much as expected, the pain of being subjected to others narratives and allowing them to define my life's storyline and not being present enough to my given life and just going along with the drifting for so many years.
In all this lifeless attachments has come the life saving anchor called truth which is helping me be aware and also detach gradually from the pull of the past currents one day at a time. It's really important however to have a sense of what my present is actually and that I am slowly roping into but somehow a good part of me feels undone and just learning to holding onto some remnants of what I am outside of people's projections was what I had been focusing on, but in doing so I am again giving more attention on people's projections and the ensuing feelings and not releasing them and staying stuck.
It's as if I am so used to feeling stuck and look up at others for helping me get unstuck and pull me out of my own mind made mess. This feeling of powerlessness is all pervasive in my life and I can't leave it to outside circumstances to pull me out of this void which I have created as if it's some sort of safe haven to go around and stay encircled in.
I have become so dormantly submissive to this feeling of powerlessness that the weight of awareness of this feeling and truth thereby is the develcro factor but I still feel myself stuck in this pattern of powerlessness. Perhaps the fear of unknown is what I am trying to control and what really happens when you let go not knowing how to reinvent yourself is all contained in this low lying fear I guess. It's not so much fear but anxiety in living an unaligned life which is not stirred up with liveliness and enthusiasm to live and is like the pattern that it was and has been for decades but now becoming aware of it is giving rise to an insecurity of how will I adjust or cope up with all the disintegrated parts coming together and where do I begin?
I lost my sense of centre and have been routed or wired through pain consciousness as my mother's pain and her fears for me were internalized as mine. For so long I have distanced myself, my true feeling, expanding self into staying limited to her fears and criticisms which became my inner voice. It made me hard on hearing my own true feelings and hurts and needs and desires and so much more. I just lost myself under the debris of all these layers.
I believed her fears to be the lifeline that connects me to her as if I need to learn to limit my liabilities or problems in order for her to be a little relieved from her fears of losing me but in reality I lost myself over and over for decades together. And this is my sore core wound. Her pain narrative of losing my father while being pregnant with me and being afraid that she might lose me too and also her anger at having to 'put up' with my overall sensitivity have all thrown me off my core as I stayed oblivious in a blur and didn't take efforts to bridge this gap for a long time. I am just being now without having to 'try' to be myself and I need to keep asserting this mindfully as a part of me feels so broken and disintegrated and I don't know if I 'll be able to find a sense of closure for the brokenness but feeling weighed down by brokenness is a phase and moving past this heaviness because I have to and because I only live once this lifetime and so owe myself the remaining opportunities to self discover and learn and grow like it's a process and not so much an objective goal which I usually attribute life to.
Living life well and in wholesome awareness and self love is my goal and letting go my past because I need to be seen and heard and respected and loved in an all new sense will help live this goal.
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