New Beginnings and end of many sorts

I was a kid with a heart full of fears

I kept her locked in my frozen tears 

Filled they were to the brim

As the chances of letting them out were slim

Dirty and murky they became aging in dark shadows of the past

As drops of suppressed dew stayed trapped in the green moss of my heart

There seemed only unfiltered anger that grew alongside in this dried up well

Toxic and tired for staying shut for too long and not able to get past the fears in this swelled up hell

Age was just a number as I got stuck in the number of times I had become my mother's emotional punchbag

And got stuck in figuring out and internalized her anger at me as life seemed like a sad drag

I was never out of my head as my inner child was silenced but protested in my imaginations where I roleplayed my suppressed emotions

To hear her out, fear, rage, tears and all was the most human that I thought I was with myself and that soon dominated and catapulted into pain addictive ruminations

The sad kid wanted to be sad and was angry that she was not heard enough while stewing in her trauma And did not know how to reach out to get out of this numb pain with overwhelming layers of her mommy's emotionally dysfunctional drama

All this reenactment troubled this inner child who started out wanting to be a kid like any other 

But stifled her instincts, suppressed her voice, and numbed her feelings, as they became her controlling mother

I was as real as my mother in the outside world was but could not separate myself from the pain of my inner child as she held on to me tight

But stepping up and reaching out to embrace my truth was all that I had to embody to become a loving mother who does not abandon her inner child knotted up in fright

It's a journey to free my other inner children, hope, joy, laughter, as they wait on the other side of the tunnel, and want their equal attention, time, hugs and all

As the tracks change and squeal with new found freedom to just blend in the old with the new

The train of my timeline has made many strides and whistles its journey ahead going from frozen tears to hopes anew

This is a new beginning and an end of many sorts

As my life is inclusive to both fears and fun and not selectively lived in parts