Live life for yourself

 Being a 'Mr.India' in your life where you feel invisible, where your opinions don't matter, where you struggle to fit in, where you are trying to be everything for everyone, but don't seem to have discovered a voice of your own and feel like you have the freedom to say and be so is what I have or had been all along.

But things shifted quite a bit from these past 5 years and it's largely because of a divine portal that had opened and made the truth of all the above known and come to my awareness and helped me feel my feelings as I believed that all the pain of remaining numb in order to go along with the flow of collective consciousness as I chose to remain invisible was all very real.

I have forgiven myself a bit and also my mother and my uncles and aunts for being so indifferent and stuck in their own ego consuming world where others personalities are nothing but just specks of dust in their spiral.

But there's a beautiful shift yet again which makes me realize that letting go my past and submitting all these pains, the pain of being numb and oblivious to my own pain, the pain of seeing others being stuck in their own worlds and not being sorry for their actions as much as expected, the pain of being subjected to others narratives and allowing them to define my life's storyline and not being present enough to my given life and just going along with the drifting for so many years.

In all this lifeless attachments has come the life saving anchor called truth which is helping me be aware and also detach gradually from the pull of the past currents one day at a time. It's really important however to have a sense of what my present is actually and that I am slowly roping into but somehow a good part of me feels undone and just learning to holding onto some remnants of what I am outside of people's projections was what I had been focusing on, but in doing so I am again giving more attention on people's projections and the ensuing feelings and not releasing them and staying stuck.

It's as if I am so used to feeling stuck and look up at others for helping me get unstuck and pull me out of my own mind made mess. This feeling of powerlessness is all pervasive in my life and I can't leave it to outside circumstances to pull me out of this void which I have created as if it's some sort of safe haven to go around and stay encircled in.

I have become so dormantly submissive to this feeling of powerlessness that the weight of awareness of this feeling and truth thereby is the develcro factor but I still feel myself stuck in this pattern of powerlessness. Perhaps the fear of unknown is what I am trying to control and what really happens when you let go not knowing how to reinvent yourself is all contained in this low lying fear I guess. It's not so much fear but anxiety in living an unaligned life which is not stirred up with liveliness and enthusiasm to live and is like the pattern that it was and has been for decades but now becoming aware of it is giving rise to an insecurity of how will I adjust or cope up with all the disintegrated parts coming together and where do I begin?

I lost my sense of centre and have been routed or wired through pain consciousness as my mother's pain and her fears for me were internalized as mine. For so long I have distanced myself, my true feeling, expanding self into staying limited to her fears and criticisms which became my inner voice. It made me hard on hearing my own true feelings and hurts and needs and desires and so much more. I just lost myself under the debris of all these layers. 

I believed her fears to be the lifeline that connects me to her as if I need to learn to limit my liabilities or problems in order for her to be a little relieved from her fears of losing me but in reality I lost myself over and over for decades together. And this is my sore core wound. Her pain narrative of losing my father while being pregnant with me and being afraid that she might lose me too and also her anger at having to 'put up' with my overall sensitivity have all thrown me off my core as I stayed oblivious in a blur and didn't take efforts to bridge this gap for a long time. I am just being now without having to 'try' to be myself and I need to keep asserting this mindfully as a part of me feels so broken and disintegrated and I don't know if I 'll be able to find a sense of closure for the brokenness but feeling weighed down by brokenness is a phase and moving past this heaviness because I have to and because I only live once this lifetime and so owe myself the remaining opportunities to self discover and learn and grow like it's a process and not so much an objective goal which I usually attribute life to.

Living life well and in wholesome awareness and self love is my goal and letting go my past because I need to be seen and heard and respected and loved in an all new sense will help live this goal.

 

New Beginnings and end of many sorts

I was a kid with a heart full of fears

I kept her locked in my frozen tears 

Filled they were to the brim

As the chances of letting them out were slim

Dirty and murky they became aging in dark shadows of the past

As drops of suppressed dew stayed trapped in the green moss of my heart

There seemed only unfiltered anger that grew alongside in this dried up well

Toxic and tired for staying shut for too long and not able to get past the fears in this swelled up hell

Age was just a number as I got stuck in the number of times I had become my mother's emotional punchbag

And got stuck in figuring out and internalized her anger at me as life seemed like a sad drag

I was never out of my head as my inner child was silenced but protested in my imaginations where I roleplayed my suppressed emotions

To hear her out, fear, rage, tears and all was the most human that I thought I was with myself and that soon dominated and catapulted into pain addictive ruminations

The sad kid wanted to be sad and was angry that she was not heard enough while stewing in her trauma And did not know how to reach out to get out of this numb pain with overwhelming layers of her mommy's emotionally dysfunctional drama

All this reenactment troubled this inner child who started out wanting to be a kid like any other 

But stifled her instincts, suppressed her voice, and numbed her feelings, as they became her controlling mother

I was as real as my mother in the outside world was but could not separate myself from the pain of my inner child as she held on to me tight

But stepping up and reaching out to embrace my truth was all that I had to embody to become a loving mother who does not abandon her inner child knotted up in fright

It's a journey to free my other inner children, hope, joy, laughter, as they wait on the other side of the tunnel, and want their equal attention, time, hugs and all

As the tracks change and squeal with new found freedom to just blend in the old with the new

The train of my timeline has made many strides and whistles its journey ahead going from frozen tears to hopes anew

This is a new beginning and an end of many sorts

As my life is inclusive to both fears and fun and not selectively lived in parts

 

Takeaway from my life

The inner child is the joyous, impulsive, curious, unfiltered versions of ourselves that we could learn to get comfortable with provided we learn to embrace our inner child. It's a unique flow of energy and channeling of its own unlike the flow of the collective conscious that we find ourselves mostly immersed in and try to navigate and find a way to feel our experiences.

I kept picking up and observing others thoughts and avoided confronting, challenging, or participating with my opinions in any way as if living in the invisible mode is all I am here for in this lifetime. I was the most apparently invisible person who cringed at any level of attention that came her way and used the guise of supporting others, comforting/counseling others as some of the means to stay away from facing my real inner world myself and hence kept reading others projections of me and the surrounding environment as means of looking out for myself from having to face who I want to be in the present. I was always part of the flow of whatever was around as if I am some sort of inanimate extension to the things around but who just moves around for keeping up with bodily functions.

The 'other' in my mind is more important than who I think I am. A needless sacrifice in retrospect that kept putting myself off the center of my life and kept being in the support others mode for 3 decades and more until I couldn't take being dishonest with myself anymore. This saturation was the overwhelming flow that I was slipping away into and it was my intuition, my soul calling, and a Higher, Divine energy above all else who guided me towards a script that's a beautiful self discovery of sorts in the making.

The letting myself go in this suppressed, suffering in silence inner world that I had locked myself in was something that I had to become aware to release all this unspoken, dysregulated feelings and sadness which again was a lot overwhelming even if there be release but not without triggering all the raw wounds that I had tied with my inner child.

We are not just flesh and blood and materially comforted with beings, but we are a form of energy as we learn to channel our given lives to our goals which bring us joy and connectivity starting from within. 

My inner child desperately wanted some form of support so that I can fearlessly bring out my creativity, fun, and thoughts on varied subjects which was absolutely lacking in the family environment where I grew up in. I soon realized back then that people didn't care whether I expressed myself or not and this I took upon myself as a personal limitation and maybe something I do or in some way I behave puts people off and hence it's better to be as rigidly stuck in playing the role of an outgrown child who silently observes all the drama around her but finds herself completely devoid of the stage within her to feel like she's centerstage atleast for my life if not for anyone else's. This feeling that I don't matter and that my opinions don't matter, and only my mother's vociferous projections about my health sensitivities matter and to which the rest of the family sympathized with was already a lost feeling and I was not resilient or strong willed enough to fight this as I assumed that this is how things are naturally and that I am just supposed to adjust with this kind of environment.

I took this self negation as a way of being and denied myself of real frustration, anger, irritation and so much more as if I can and am supposed be only ideal and not real. To fall out of genuine fostering of relationship with oneself is what I am trying to fall back in within myself. To start loving myself as how I need to be loved and not what I expect from others what love needs to be. 

It's the roots that matter finally not how tall the tree grows to be. Cherish your inner child and let it be, live it be, and just start falling in love with yourself truly for who you are is my takeaway from my life. What's yours?