Moving beyond mind handicaps

 When the mind is paralyzed with fears of uncertainties, anxieties about how to face them, and worry if everything will turn out alright, then life seems to come to a regular standstill as if being stagnant is a way of life and adapting to it is the only response left to live life.

I have been witness to such a state and it feels sad that I have not participated in living life with the flow but have resisted it through the above response. So much of unlived experiences is also my life but to want to let go all this is my choice and it's a regular thing. There's no how much that lightens the burden but how effective is my surrender to a higher energy and replacing my thought habits with mindfulness, and replacing my activities with a purpose to connect with my core and not just to justify outside expectations.

I do feel guilty that for all the protection and blessings that came my way, I just couldn't channelize it to convert it to opportunities for growth and the result being numbness in every aspect of my life.

What is mind handicap I get it now and it's a very insidious form of pain which makes living look like a mindless exercise instead of being grateful for the life being given to me.

It was my choice again and it's my responsibility to center my thoughts on what I resonate with and be true to it and implement that in action to the best possible levels that I can.

Let the world outside have its own expectations and judgements, but I can do only what is feasible and with as much clarity possible.

As much as I put myself through this stuck pattern of thoughts and actions for quite a while, it's equally my duty to forgive myself for doing this to myself and just release this pain. It's work in progress but I am happy that this is the flow that is opening the thoughts and energies of life possibilities, one day at a time. This is better than not being aware of this handicap at all and blaming others for lack of movement and limitations in my mindset.

When projections die a slow death and life comes alive...

 The fear and angst for not being good enough for your parent is the most primal fear possible - it's the overwhelm of processing this fear that ruptures the self trust that is so essential to reorienting with one's own energies for sustenance and growth. 

I have been having excessive fear from childhood and my fight and flight have both been paralyzed by this fear and the over indulgent protection of my mother that made me feel like an object she likes to own and fix from time to time and keep it close to her. Her emotionally distant behaviour, criticisms, and ultra practical mindset which believes in doing than being made me feel like no matter what I do to be good enough for her will  not be enough and so limited myself to not being true to my being which I had only a vague idea of. 

How to immobilize my life is all self done and there's nothing more painful to realize that despite the environment that I grew up and its dysfunctionalities inclusive, it just felt trust betrayed as no one cares at the end of the day how you truly feel and it's upto us individuals to tap into our being and find out what it needs. I was loved but not shown how much. There had to be a why in the background I guess and I just answered it myself saying maybe I am not healthy enough, smart enough, confident enough, pretty enough and so on and came to believe all these things. 

What you believe regularly and deeply becomes your truth and conditions your behaviour accordingly. Fear became my open ground and on it festered all these negatives which sapped me off core energy and thereby left me numb and under focused most of the times. 

Learning to vocalize about my anxieties, to deviate with hobbies when anxiety becomes too real and life outside unreal are something that I am trying to work on. Life prepares us to face all these inner struggles as the outer world with its energies keep happening as there's no shortcut or wishful thinking to make it all go away. We can't harness our inner world with its fears, worries, and anxieties and keep obsessing whatever situations and thoughts associated with it to be overwhelmed with the above and expect life to come our way. It's how you take control of your thoughts and inner chatter and the negative egoic mind that matters and helps you balance yourself as life is not working against us, it's working for us as we allow ourselves to go through with our fears and whatever blocks and allow ourselves to release it from time to time.

I was projected my mother's fears and worries on me and her quick criticisms which made it hard for me to get her acknowledgement and acceptance for who I am as she obsessed on needing me in her life but didn't know how to value me and sadly used her fear and worry programming to keep me close to her as I gave in to her projections. Her projections became my reality as I got stuck and adapted to that and didn't know how to create and grow in a world of my own and draw in my strengths to make my life my very own reality and not someone else's expected projections that I need to keep working towards and thereby stay irritable, distant and confused at myself and also at others.

And so I project my fears, worries, expectations and stay in flights of wishful thinking and fantasies where I participant as the main protagonist and stay stuck in it until thee actual reality fits in with reality outside. The reality could be positive, healthy, or simply not what is in alignment with me and my inner world, but this block that's created blocks out life for what is and denies the open mind to accept life for what it is and it's similar to my mother's not accepting me for who I am. 

So, what my mother did to me is what I am doing to myself. I am denying the need to be loved and to love myself for who I am. Life will change, shift, grow in so many dimensions that we can't even imagine in our wildest fantasies and dreams -  we are just here for a while and it's almost like an open and close eye duration and it's just the projections that seem to be consuming my focus in this short span of our living. 

Is being consumed in projections worth it? Adapting to limitations might have worked for me back then as a coping mechanism but adapting to such extent to lose out on conscious and clear thinking and living is taking the adapting too far. I have given space for such unhealthy adapting as a way of my living but life still remains as the not so fully loved child that needs all the care and attention that can be possibly given to it. God has trusted in us that we will take care of the life He has created at large for us and so many other species and elements along with it to coexist and live in harmony possibly so that we love our lives as we would our kid but not get blindly obsessive to want to make it cope up to our will and wish because our lives won't do that for us. We need to be able to shuffle, balance, and undo, rethink and learn new tools possibly to reparent ourselves so that we can be the caretaker that we can be to our life given.

We are born into a family, live in the midst of relationships, communities, religions, cultures, natural forces, and so much more that might help teach us to arrive at how to caretake our life.

It's a garden, the whole life, and despite our efforts some patches of green fade, some flowers bloom only seasonally, and some weeds just never seem to die. But hope springs like the rainbow at the end of the curve and life seems to come alive. 

Disorganized style inner child's journey

 Ego defense has been my major anchoring ground in being who I am. I have guarded it with cae so that the wounded inner child remains alive through the span of my life so far through how I relate to myself and to others and to life and it's challenges as a whole. It's become my comfort zone that I have been believing that I need and just have been stuck living in it all this time, wanting to continue living in it through the imaginary egoistic role plays where I get to have the final word in my imaginations where it's much more vocal than my reality. 

I have allowed rather submitted myself so much to this limited and yet shape shifting version(s) of ego defenses that the real me if there is is like discovering the light behind the clouds and just remaining under the shadow of the clouds without claiming the real power of the light.

It's an overactive egoic other that wants to be my constant mind voice wanting me to constantly engage and interact with it and to make it more colorful, indulge in the imaginative projections of it. It's tiring to be so unreal with life and when there's no other choice but to be real and accept life for what is - it's tiring to keep playing in and playing out as if it's the wounded inner child's preoccupied time that it doesn't want to share with anyone but just is a means to cope with all the uncertainties, expectations from her environment, and to continue to believe that she is in control of her life. Whereas it's the simple truth that the egoic mind is something I am not willing to let go of and when the essence of a higher energy is something that I am also humbly in tune with from time to time, it feels like I am at the same time nurturing both the evil and the good in me and want best results for me no matter what life challenges come my way. 

It's like I expect life to act a certain way while I carry within these divides and want life to be coherent and uniform with me. It's maybe the other way round that life will remain as unpredictable as it has always been and no matter how much controlling my egoic voices can take control of my life and priorities, but it can never limited the world outside to its shape shiftings no matter how diverse they may seem. I have allowed sadly these egoic defenses to run amok like kids playing in an open ground and not wanting to come back home. 

To come home to my heart and soul is my true homecoming and this restlessness until then which doesn't prepare me for anything basically but just splits my calm how much ever that be into pieces. I am broken no doubt but to stick to which piece which fits my groove is out of question now because i am so widespread in my disconnectedness and disorganized sort of self that I can only pick up from where I had left it behind and maybe only fall back into the same pattern over and over and just give in to the ego defense which thinks it knows better obviously than any other higher energy. Its level of ignorance is so high and equally transparent that despite its mirroring to me through the egoic role plays in my mind, I just have no sense of will power or strong sense of self to fall back on and just give in to the projections of this mirroring over and over.

Undoing and doing myself is what I have been doing but this strong attachment to my ego defense is something that I thought I needed to preserve somewhat my sense of self and authenticity, but it's just a shallow assumption. 

I have grown fighting through many an inner and outer physiological battles but nothing hurts deep and doesn't even allow us to feel its hurting than what the inner wounds can possibly do to us. My poor inner child had only this means to believe in some source of "assured" egoic projections to help fit in into her emotionally neglectful family and it's sad to see her get limited to being a wounded inner child and to continue to adapt to these limitations as a way to survive with all the dysfunctionalities outside. 

Assured as in no matter who stays with me or wins my trust and helps allay my fears to trust in them in return and to open up truthfully to talk what's hurting or who and just vocalize stuff whatever that be is something that I had to trade with the ego as if that's going to be my support no matter what. It does come back over and over even if the clouds are getting lifted off the light like an uninvited guest and I succumb to its entry as my sense of space and boundaries are so undefined that it takes full advantage of my generally open disposition to empathy. 

So, in essence, ego has been my mind double and also my body double in terms of taking over my physical mind and just blurring me out of my self actualizations for a long time until now. No wonder I felt so weak, fatigued, clueless about my life and what it truly needs in order to grow with it. 

Thank you divine guiding energies for helping me come out of this blur from time to time and to make me realize my inner child's journey alongside mine.