Focusing on lack in my life has been my primary focus and mental conditioning - by doing this I believed that I was good enough for my mother's care for me as she obsessed on taking care of me when I got sick physically, and not wanting to take responsibility for maintaining good physical health discipline which came with with a healthy mind backup and since my back up was based on lack, I just did a formality of self care while giving away all my power of self accountability and living life to my best possible levels into others hands (her hands more or less).
To let go this habit and to move away from the confines of others devised self care for me and to trust myself fully to exercise in strengthening self beliefs took a lot of effort and a lot of letting go of old loops of patterns of thinking which was so absorbed in focusing on my lack and limitations. I probably would have started on that habit wrongly assuming that by focusing overly on them and taking whatever help I got for fixing my physical health issues was somehow enough to justify self care.
Fear got the better of me as letting go this focusing on lack was so much my second nature and to surrender this fear, and all the layers that make the fear or fears what it is was harder than just the lip service surrender to God that I would think and visualize about but had not quite gotten the feel of it.
So, is this another form of dependency on others and disguised in the name of God? The one thing that stands out in this form of surrender and not blind/numb dependency on others is the feeling of freedom that I feel and have all the awareness of my true feelings and emotions returning back to me through release of this fear of letting go and such limiting beliefs that had kept me imprisoned within myself. It feels as if I don't have to worry about what would happen in future because the feeling of being aligned to this freedom from past ruminating fears gives me more space to explore what I can really do without any limitations or lack thoughts holding me back.
I still have not figured out what to do but it does feel like a weight is lifted off my chest and that I don't have to feel like an emotional cripple who is bound to her own fears and now has found a way to come out of it through Lord Muruga's grace which helps me walk to Him with whatever strength that I have for the rest of my living days. I know there's a long way to go in terms of walking the faith each and every day but with His blessings this blessed life, my blessed life seems to have found a purpose broadly speaking - to surrender all my worries and fears to him and to flow with ease no matter what be the waves of challenges. In His ocean of love, everything is fair and unconditional.
I don't need to keep living my previous mental conditioning anymore and that's like a new lease of life. Because I grew so tired sustaining this adapting to limitations mindset that I had gotten away from my true self (which I am still getting to know) and from knowing Muruga from close quarters. To belong right back in my life navigation map feels like I can take control of my life and travel with awaareness ahead. With Lord Muruga by my side and within my heart, I don't quite feel so alone like I need to do all this life by myself.
It's so crucial to get a support system, a family or family member of friends to get to trust you unconditionally and not out of sympathy or obligation, and this source of connect with my true self I draw on as I walk inwards into my inner journey with truth and courage and perseverance is the most validation that I can think of for myself, and this inner journey could not have been possible without Lord Muruga showing me the light wherever it might have been needed.
And so surrendering to God/Lord Muruga is strengthening my inner ability to heal myself emotionally and physically taking one day at a time. It need not occur when you really need something to manifest but as a form of unearthing your core nature that has been buried under all the years of fears and worries. Therefore Muruga has helped me wake up to see all these truths and to embrace myself fully and kindly and to trust Him which I discovered through my inner journeying is much above trusting any other family member or friend.
This path of broken expectations from myself, from my family members, friends have all come together to bind my surrender to Him not as a way to escape reality but to face reality accepting it for what it is and letting go expectations for people to be this and that and also including expecting a lot from myself which has gotten eased a bit.
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