Inner journey and self prioritization are two important aspects of spiritual growth. It's a process to give permission to your spirit to be free to express itself no matter what the individual ego, illusion, and struggles through ignorance maybe. Fear of letting go all these is what makes one's surrender to a higher energy or God harder - the amount of pressure or stress that the old conditioning(s) can ruminate within the body and create layers of blocks that make focusing on one's reality a big effort is self negation, self harm in unconscious ways.
Ego weighs heavily from within as if its importance needs to be felt no matter what be the changes in reality and demands to meet them from time to time. Surrendering to ego then becomes an easier option as if there's nothing better expected from us and so ego then gains control of one's life inching its manipulative ways through early mental conditioning and family culture. Whether when one is alone or within the presence of family or friends, ego needs to be present there too, almost all the time.
Individuation is a critical aspect to evolution but whether we survive as real humans or stay stuck in egoistic personality designs is the question. If it is the latter, then that pattern wants to stay embedded and suck the life energy into growing its maladaptive and shape shifting structures which unfortunately is what becomes of the creator given life - we keep creating more space for allowing ego to control our lives and become more and more blind to God within us while searching for God outside to fulfill this imbalance from within that we are responsible for.
Being true to our ego is what we learn and relearn and letting go ego or releasing clamped emotional responses and mental conditionings becomes anti nature or it feels like something is shifting in us and we want to go back to feeling what we felt before letting go holding onto ego so much.
This anxiety, this self made stress is again a crucial stage in spiritual growth and is a slight maturation from the dense feeling of mind fog. This movement, this jangling of our nerves continues until we release all those fearful feelings and letting ourselves out from the darkness that we put ourselves into - it's a new birthing of sorts as baby steps, slowly and steadily, and picking oneself up over and over is the basic effort from our end. It's here that we need to open ourselves up and let out all the stuck stuff to God and truly surrender to the peace and calm of non thinking, non analyzing and just stay as a quiet observer as we become tools to God's handiwork when He takes over and when as humans we think we have tried our level best and simply give the power over to His grace and time through which he threads our life's knots out from the dark karmic holes. We don't become lifeless, instead we are reminded about our core energy and life purpose from every breath which gets woven through His design for our transformative lives. In essence we are both the damaged goods and also the recreated ones.
It's difficult to hear anything except our thoughts (we all know) but our thoughts don't run our lives but it's us who run behind our ceaseless, restless thoughts and feel drained out of energy. After all thoughts need energy to thrive within us and the more we feed them that, the more they colonize our awareness and consciousness. And what is awareness? It's a realization to be aware that we don't need so many thoughts to bridge our ideas with our reality and all those intermediary worries, anxieties to get our ideas or self expression out is just that - just simply anxiety and worry for not being our highest selves at a given time and personalizing this as my worry and my anxiety makes it egoistic and complicated and layered.
We owe ourselves this much mindfulness that we become slowly aware of what we are thinking and why we think the way we think. The best part about this stage is that typical responses, typical emotional reactions from others don't get stuck on us anymore as this slight detachment from ego makes us loosen up even in the way we have perceived all these reactions all along and we begin to observe more deeply our own responses and ruminations and all the shelf life that we have given for so long.
Self forgiveness truly is a hard thing to do but it's much better than lack of self prioritization.
This calm after the storm is an empty space - something has gotten cleaned up from within and there feels no need to go back to reliving the hurts and anger and fear - this power to be free, to express my true voice from within is an acknowledgement of this state of life. I do feel tired but it was worth it as this insidious battle with myself within myself had to end some time.
I don't know about new beginnings but it's better late than never and inner journeying is the way to enjoy this travel.
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