Break free from your past bubble

 Don't doubt your inner truths because self doubts influenced by mental conditioning and trauma patterns and adapting to them unconsciously may make you believe that you don't deserve to be receiving the pure, break your bones level of truths which at first rip your heart open, but only to make you aware of how long you have made your mental conditionings your comfort bubble and have lived in them.

In a sense it's to live outside of them, the bubble that you define and compress your entire life experiences in as if minimizing your efforts, struggles and so on makes logic. It doesn't. Not from near or afar, they don't. Living outside of the bubble means to first allow it to break and even if there are many other colorful ones that seem to want to draw you back in them, but it eventually breaks, the weight of your inner truths surpassing the light as air fantasies, imaginations, procrastinations no matter how real they seem.

Even if we separate this as truths and this and that as fantasies, but they all need to be embraced, not criticized, because these very same fantasies and imaginations had made life bearable, lively and for me at least had made my life something to look forward to. Because I preferred living in the bubbles and had the joy and creativity and spontaneity in my head to keep creating and living in them and so much so that they began to own me and became my significant other that gave me the feeling of being seen, being safe, being self confident and so on. And this significant other, my shadow, is part of me and hence true to who I wanted to be.

It's not safe I understand to be stuck in fantasies anymore. It's a very active part of me and I may not shut it down completely, but fantasies are creatures of flight and they cannot be expected to bear the real responsibility of living a life as I am responsible to live and not entirely live through fantasies. 

I wish to step into becoming more and more natural and genuine to my skin, to my thoughts, emotions and feelings and just shed the layers of acquired heavy past traumas which simply block me. And no amount of fantasies can soften the hurts from emotional neglect and past traumas, but it doesn't heal anything either and just mimics the pain as if I am in control of them and being all confident and bold - because my pain is lack of self confidence and simply fantasizing that I am self confident is just rubbing salt to my inner wounds.

Allowing myself to be is the start of healing, and willing for the healing to happen is putting more focused efforts to create a healthy bond with myself and not self abandon and neglect. Enduring others criticisms in order to seek validation is not part of my programming in order to cope up and survive with them. It's really not worth it to take anything and internalize within beyond a certain limit.

I am responsible for my life and I take control of my life in my hands for today and the days to come.

Shadows and shells

 Being enmeshed was part of the way I had adapted to collective consciousness and it consumed my full inner space as an individual where I had lost trust in myself as an autonomous individual. 

It's like I had to enmesh with others presence, personalities, past, present, or whatever it takes to stay diluted as an individual and live as a shadow irrespective of how much powerless it made me feel - it felt like a safety net, this enmeshment, and I had to stay entwined in it in order to feel like I would be seen and I wouldn't be as ignored the way I had been ignoring myself.

There's contradictions in this obviously but the more solidified I could become as a person is by staying true to who I am moment by moment and allowing a bit of openness in my heart in order to love myself and see myself as a unique, deep, beautiful individual is new and yet a different journey I had never taken so far.

I just wish to be free from all the expectations I had placed on myself and just allow myself to breathe free. 

It's been purely suffocating, traumatizing, and a controlled, emotionally dysfunctional family where being a person of my own felt next to impossible. Since I enmeshed with all these toxic patterns of my family and felt I need to belong with them, I ended up dismissing myself completely as if I owe them my blind loyalty for allowing me to be part of the family.

I need to be permitted for each and every step in my life as a silent, judgmental, intimidating set of eyes were always following me scrutinizing my every move. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I would always feel like my uncles, aunts made me feel like it's a favor they have me in the family, in addition to my mother.

I got tired trying to fit in that I locked myself up in my room and eventually just stayed locked in, numb, powerless, disconnected, confused, anxious, sad and purely in trauma for not knowing what I am doing with my life and how to reach out to this vast space of emptiness within me.

Only this huge void was left as a result of inching myself out of my life to the point of being literally an outsider to my life. My body just mirrored this looping pain as if wanting to push me back into my body by making me aware of my pain, medicines, having to stay mindful of the medicine schedule, and just disinterestedly staying alive. 

My pain felt like an all prevalent pain as if there was no beginning or no end, or no head or no tail to it, but what's left of my life was just pain and I was actively pursuing it and also was overwhelmed with it and simply neglected, ignored, procrastinated until it went away. Medicines physically helped to deal with physical discomforts from time to time, but this way of disconnected, detached, anxious attachment to my life made me embrace enmeshment to get some sense of connection with others at the cost of negatively impacting my growth as an individual.

Connection(connecting) with toxicity at the cost of sabotaging myself in other words.

And this sense of toxicity came from my mother and my connection with her has been toxic love - the way she made me feel seen, cared for, was by projecting her trauma and criticism on me and this I saw as valid means to want to be punished/devalued/dismissed for causing distress to her. I had become so energetically enmeshed with her that my real sense of my life, my feelings, my desires, instincts, moods, reactions and so much more were simply layers within a shadow.

To bring this to light has been extremely hard, as if some thick layer of shell had to be torn open over and over until I could not bear the pain anymore. 

To play safe at the cost of tying myself to a post is simply stagnant, and to pull away from this is to break free from staying low, staying stuck, and staying unfulfilled with my given life. 

Because becoming is the new being.

 

Pushing past pain...

 Pain has always been a huge blocking fence that I used as a defense to not outgrow and kept to the limits of the space that pain confined me to.

Whether numbing my emotions and creating an emotional void within myself or giving in with weak self discipline to toxic self destructive habits, I used pain as an excuse and blamed my body for being so sensitive and uncooperative to what I expected it to do and also blamed my mother for her wanting to pushing her way into my life without respecting my boundaries to protect me.

Pain has been my everyday goto and craving for it somewhere so that I can belong to the limited space that I try to put myself into. Why? That's so that I can state this reason in order to not change and also not work towards future as pain has been made to be my constant as per my programming and it would get "uncomfortable" if I were to change that. Go figure!!

This painful roleplay is not what I have signed up to do with my blessed life. We create our mental grooves and force our life energy into it as if it would stay that way forever, as if pain is something that can be boxed in, either in my body or in my mental grooves and that I can give myself all the weak excuses to not will my way out of it or at least try to. 

It takes a lot of willpower or sometimes going against your flow in order to flow in a different direction but for a broader perspective that cannot be encapsulated in chronology of time, or ego, or stress levels, others approvals, our inner criticisms and expectations and so on. 

Newfound self love, a new beginning!

 I am beginning to see myself in a new light. A knowing that's too deep and painful and yet so liberating that I allow myself to be free from all the programming I put myself under. It's like a huge wall of block, numbness for not having created enough opportunities to know myself better has been removed. If this is what self love feels like, then I am all for it! I wonder why I resisted to get to know myself truly for all this time, but time delayed, time wasted, or no other version of time does not matter anymore because it's love that I see for myself and whether it's in whatever form that be - truth, kindness, vulnerability, feeling, listening, hoping, persevering, drifting, losing, gaining or whatever other words that could bring together this feeling but not limited to these alone, it's the most protected and spiritually encompassing feeling and it needs no external validation, no people pleasing, no dishonesty, no games, no guilt, no fear, no stubbornness, no numbness to hold onto.

It's like being myself is the biggest privilege that I have with me right now and am glad that I took this journey inward to make my efforts worth it. I have often wondered if I am good enough for still being given second or umpteen chances to get myself back up every day, but in all entirety of dealing with this beautiful push-pull dance with arriving at my consciousness and an awareness that I am not all the fear, pain, hurt, confusion that I define myself to but someone bigger than that limited definition which had suffocated me for so long that it was a punishment to be alive. 

I am alive all along for realizing my self - truly, deeply, beautifully and so much more unraveling yet to happen and it's an exciting prospect to look forward to that! To understand that all that endurance towards all that limited version of myself numbed me to be someone that I could never be proud of, confident of, and honest about just made me feel there's a reason to coming to this point in my life arc and that it had/it has mattered all along no matter what.

Time does not define my knowing deep within which is a fluid dance of intuition, truth, shivers, tears, sadness, release, and something so profound that no mind or its chatter can language and program. My inner child need not justify anymore why she had felt unfortunately safe in all these prisons that she thought she would be safe in, but has the natural freedom to come out and express herself the way she wants to. It's a relief to be able to do this and that she will be loved nevertheless.

It's so refreshingly new to finally get my back and to work my way towards owning who I am in whatever mind, body, and spirit form that I be in - it's alright and it'll be okay is all that I believe in. I will hope for and continue to believe in this until the last breath of my life. 

Love is such a fluid emotion that it's hard to create boundaries around it in order to protect it, but to protect lovingly the simmering and rising compassion for myself one day at a time is a sacred act and cannot be scattered away in selling myself short recklessly or too lightly either. I need to learn to view humility with this sense of objectivity that I keep growing, keep learning more about myself and expand my consciousness with awareness while remaining in this form on earth. No fake humility will do and I am done acting small, feeling unheard, being tolerant for no reason, and simply abandoning myself, my inner  child as if numbness is the safe cave that I can forever crawl back into. 

The caves have kept cracking for a while now and it cannot hold this new emergence of a new version of me in a new skin via logicalizing anymore. 

Logic is too small a formula to hold such a beautiful blessing called life in it - it's the shiny pearl that needs to come out and feel simply authentic and beautiful just as is, and my life has begun to emerge out of a long period of darkness that lies to myself, low self esteem, choosing not to believe in my feelings, hardening my spontaneous emotions had all created the hardened shell that kept me locked in.

Release is the new normal, refresh is the new start, and riding this wave a lifetime opportunity!

Upgrade your energy this New Year!

 Something new is going to start...a new wave of consciousness, a new push to our desires and goals, a new you, a new me, and a lot of heart and hope and belief that the old, stuck, and hurtful too shall pass. The belief in tomorrow is what this year end teaches us - that's what's gone cannot be replaced, but what is here can be lived, can be felt grateful for, and can be cherished for the connect it helps us make to that moment. It's as if to remind us that what goes around comes around - the moment or moments to feel grateful for always comes back to lead us on more towards such moments. 

We are ever so present in the creation of newer consciousness for ourselves and for the universe at large that it's totally alright to leave behind our fragmented, traumatized self from the past and gather together the accepted, nurtured parts of all those fragments and integrate them as a whole. We are not entirely our thoughts, but we are the energy field(s) that our thoughts create for us. We represent the layers of subtle moments,  their memories, and their energetic programming on our field as energies and as people. Maybe that's karma as a whole but how we behave, how we react and respond and how we manage to live the life that's given to us is on us, our free will. 

No one can force us to be - we are enough to be in situations, good,  bad, and everything in between. Situations pass through us as we are tools to embody that and also tools who are responsible to release them from our minds and hearts lest they get stuck as loops of negative, unnecessary, or overbearing trauma.

This New Year is a a fresh start to upgrade our energies and release the old, the wounded, the hurtful, and make peace with them and accept them as things from our past and that they don't bind us to them in anyway for today or for the days to come.

Victim narrative

 I am the problem, my mother is the victim - this scene has been staged so many times and done with such drama that I started to believe that I deserve to be neglected for being a problem to her while all that my mother did was keep me compulsively looped in with her narrative of trauma and tragedy so much so and with so much emotional neglect when I needed her that her lack of awareness of me as another person, another being is the result of such ignorance.

I adapted to this lack,  any no will to work towards claiming my own space in creating my life experiences in my journey. It's like I have not had a shadow of mine to walk next to me in this journey as I had lived like her shadow and kept myself in the dark of realizing, experiencing my feelings, emotions, struggles, highs, lows and everything in between.

To go deep into my inner world and realize, unearth my hidden self to the light, to see who I am in all my forms was something I could not go further as this truth became too overwhelming, but I did choose to explore - it's more of becoming true to myself and allowing myself to receive the opening of so many specks of glimmering pieces of me which came together slowly and sometimes suddenly. 

I did want to shy away as the truths seemed to blind my sight but kept looking forward in some way or the other. It's been a huge revelation as I knew I was enmeshed with my mother but mentally found it apprehensive, anxious, frustrating, to separate myself from her personality which I did time and again but was too exhausted that I might end up getting enmeshed again and may have to do the inner work all over again. But that's not true. Once I really started to see how disconnecting it has been for me at a core level to having to stay enmeshed with her, it dawned on me to stop resisting getting enmeshed all over again. There's no need to do that anymore as I have begun to work on my perspective of how I wish to set boundaries for her and me as she lives with me and I am not struggling with this truth anymore. And so no guilt, no inner chatter, no adapting to anyone. Just pure acknowledgement and releasing myself from this victim narrative as I love all the pieces of me put together and they complete me.

Love Thyself

Shadows need to dance with light,

"Step up and make a move," the light whispered, "or you can't enjoy this beautiful sight."

Fear, guilt, sadness, anger, laziness, had seemed to weave a tight knit layered carpet,

Hiding in the designs of life and projecting their mirage, a hustling market.

The light waited and waited long to embrace her darker self,

They were both one and met half way to face each other, dancing to the tunes of love thyself.