My mother put me through a lot of emotional abuse and emotional neglect as if I deserved them for being physically sensitive. Her trauma for being emotionally wounded for her expectations of wanting to stay with her partner, my father, got cut short so suddenly in 2 years time from her marriage and specially when they were pregnant with me, it was a sudden tragedy of losing my father to a massive cardiac arrest while she was 3 months pregnant.
Her trauma seemed to fill me up from the womb that even if I got separated from her physically as an individual, my inner voice, my mind, my sense of self had gotten so saturated with her repeated outbursts of her trauma at her at each and every episode of my health problems, no matter how small and not so terminal it might be, but she enacted my getting sick as a way of lashing out her frustration at my absent father and being left all by herself to deal with me, that her technical way of taking me to doctors at each and every instance of my health problem was the only glue for me towards her as there was no sense of real love or acceptance from her for me.
She thrived on sympathy from her brothers and their families and left me all by myself to deal with my repetitive ruminations about my past health issues no matter what be the circumstance for today - whether I do well at a job, whether I decide to change jobs, whether I think of stretching myself more for a particular goal/project etc, it felt like my past trauma of being shouted at by my mother, my emotional numbing at that time, and my unspoken and conflicted emotions had all been so bottled up that I kept repeating them in my head as means to stay stuck in trauma myself which has been so severely self limiting and has robbed me off of my precious self trust and belief in my self. And when my relationship with myself has been compromised, so convoluted with the frustrations of my mother's emotional projections from her tragic past, I internalized the same pattern of staying stuck in trauma as a way of criticizing my self and learning over and over again to adapt to my "limitations" - adapting here in this case means trying to fit into my mother's super narrow perspectives of me and my life to the point that I got disconnected from my real sense of reality.
I was feeding off off her trauma so much so that I preferred punishing myself with negative inner talks, repetitive ruminative of past illness, and unfavorably bringing them up in my present day as if more and more loneliness, and such dismal inner darkness, and not knowing how to reach out for help and just staying stuck with self neglect, self doubt, abandonment, and continuing to adapt to my mother's sense of power over me which was not physical assault but giving into her emotionally abusing me over and over and shaming me for having weak health and making me feel guilty for the same at each and every health episode even if it be small one. She made my life a tragic reliving of her past and which I believed was true for me which just severely restricted me from knowing what my true sense of reality, choices, facing challenges, and learning to grow.
My mother may have been a recipient of severe emotional neglect and abandonment herself from her parents, her siblings and so on, but what she did to me cannot be taken in casual light, but is not the centre point of my life's concern either. I have healed better and grown better from within to realize that my life completely exists outside of hers and that I am not a subject of her emotional projections, no matter how tragic or sudden it might have been - it's her trauma and hers to handle. She is half foot in the grave now and has lived off my life by absorbing my ideas, objectivity, and even concerns. All that I am not is because of my withdrawing from taking personal responsibility for my life and expecting others to fix it for me. My mother assumed she was fixing it but all she did was break me further from my core. She only knew so much and I was not ready to outgrow my expectations at that time.
Being toxically interconnected through trauma which is mostly projected on me by her is not my moral obligation anymore and it's been made explicitly clear in my own ways. She has asked for a meek sorry for the same but that doesn't change the fact that she's still completely oblivious to the damage she has to me and to my mind.
Now as I have worked on myself and with my God/Guru's blessings as well that I have realized so much of my inner pain and trauma that it feels like I am on the path of healing but through the suppressed and blocked road of pain which has now been opened and released for ease of navigation and flow of energy for over a few years now.
I may or may not get completely healed, I don't know, but trauma is never more important than one's truth and the truth is that it's never easy to let go pain, to be free from trauma and self doubts, but the more I embrace this truth that self love and genuine kindness towards my self changes my inner landscape as it has already begun to change, my relationship with myself feels different. All the unreleased understanding and blocked love from myself has slowly begun to open up and it makes me want to believe that I too can feel well from inside, I too can really heal, just one day at a time.
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