Confining myself to a preconceived set of notions and conditionings define me to playing a repressed person's role which is not really true to her life. It's like all the repressed emotions like anger, sadness, and so many unspoken emotions coupled with feelings of not being good enough for receiving love, acceptance, and trust has made me seek refuge in these bundled knots which have come to my awareness and have loosened their grip gradually over me. It's only that I am afraid to let them go completely as self love is something that I have just begun to grow into and getting impatient, criticizing myself, and expecting some superhuman results from me is something that comes in the way to rising above and meeting me half way through genuine love for myself. The miseries of the repressed emotions and feelings of inadequacy that kept me fake company and feeling stuck have been too much comfort to grow out of.
Setting oneself free seems so hard and yet gravitating to one's miseries so easy as if there is going to be a never ending supply of time for me. We are all bound by only so much time and yet spend a big part of our lives wishing life were different in our past and maybe we could be in a better space today.
Feeling like we are in a good space is just momentary and it only is a matter of time before we quickly disguise into our old selves and try to be present for today. Either the mind is out of sync or the body. and it's only through some regular day to day jobs, whether they pay us money or otherwise, that we get a feel of being connected both body and mind in the routines that we play out, almost on autopilot. Again the question arises that do we perform our everyday jobs/duties in a numb frame of mind or are we even aware of what we are doing and how well?
When numbing ourselves becomes foremost conditioning of our minds as if the various situations that life throws at us is just to make ourselves adaptable to numbness and through it feel nothing, and which ironically is the result that we set ourselves up for but want to be alive and aware and joyous when feeling and being part of the result manifestation, no matter how small or big the work. How we feel about ourselves and how that translates into the way we perform our jobs determines our attitude for life.
There is no set pattern to life although our biological ageing seems to give a feeling that there needs to be one - emotional maturing and growth in material gains. How far do we come becoming a success or already a success is governed by what exactly we do and not who we are from within (sadly).
How do we get to a state of mind where we feel we have earned the blessings that we still have in our lives and can we explain logically how much lucky we are when compared to many others? It's hard to actually explain our life's blessings but how far we come materially is the singled out coin that shines in the heap of our blessings - it can be quantified - the more the shine, the more credit points it seems to add to life! But who we are from inside out is the quality that adds to what you earn, your blessings, opportunities, jobs, material gains and all, or all the shine would just be superficially coated and fade quickly.
Recognizing that we are the true wealth and respecting who we are, our uniqueness, abilities, flaws, scars, tears and a lot more is the real self appraisal that we grow to earn as we age through our fluctuating times begins by acknowledging that what we want starts from who we are. And doing what we like, if we are lucky, is just growing to our fullest potential. We don't always get to do the jobs we like but that does not give us the license to like ourselves any lesser.
The pattern then becomes who you are, who you are becoming and that automatically reflects on what you do. The more that you stay connected to who you are in essence, the more you enjoy the work that you can grow to learn and perform and gain the self confidence to cocreate your life's choices and what best works for you and which ones deplete your energy and time.
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