Let go fear of pain

 Fear of pain is all that I have known all my life. It has been a thick cementing of my personality as if I need to be in fear in order to adapt to my limited idea of self which is not just my knowing but what is projected by my mother on me - a critical, repetitive, verbally abusive mother who belittles me at every drop of my health and that happened quite a lot as I was not good enough for her perfect expectations.

Her being so oblivious to her small mindedness despite her generosity in her giving is a critical understanding for her which she is blind to as she prides in perfecting on her better than anyone else pride and hence cannot see herself truthfully for who she has been, good and bad put together.

The pain of being able to see this clearly eventually broke me from within -  as if a person a person whom I trusted most to mirror my life just broke my delusion of the mirror. As if the pain of wasted love on someone and feeling betrayed for having put up and endured with so much of her criticism was all for my detriment and it didn't support her emotionally in any way, as all she had bothered with was to continue to criticize me and be completely oblivious to my sacrifice and emotional suffocation.

This emotional pain had been numbed in my physical body for so long that my body cried in various forms of pain to help alert me to take action. All I did was again and again endure her criticisms on my health, my body, and came to this conclusion that people whom I trust to love, to expect something from maybe will inevitably hurt me, and that I can curtail my initiative and just take few customary steps and again withdraw.

I was too afraid to trust myself to let go this fear of uncertainty and had an underlying obsession to want to be liked by everyone and when I sense that they don't, then I withdraw some more in my shell, as if by doing this I might save myself from getting hurt.

I pigeonholed myself by thinking I am not worthy of love, attention, respect, and so on, and wanted everyone to see me that way so that I can handle their criticism, their judgement, their comparisons of me with another, their gaslighting and so on as that's what I was used to, and so adapting myself to this limitation, limited belief is all I had gone about doing and being.

To see myself wholly worthy of love, care, forgiveness, kindness, acceptance from myself is such a sore point, like a scab of wound which hurts to admit that it needs self love, self acceptance more than anything in this world, and that I need to uphold a healthy, kind, and a heart centered approach towards myself rather than logicalizing my past hurts and believing them to be true to me, which they are not.

I need to come home more and more to myself as I have the capacity to heal, to hold commitment to receive love from myself, and that I can allow my fear of pain to be set free. I don't have to expect more pain in exchange for pain, and it's alright to just let go this slowly, gently, calmly, one day at a time.

 

Coexisting with ego

Imperfections are our projected ways of defending our delusional ego so that we can seem like we shine and succeed at the cost of the ego's narrative within our heads. Whether the shine and succeed is real or imaginary depends on the ego's strength to be linked in tight and stable with our mind and personality.

Therefore a weak mind could reflect one's weak ego perhaps, and to develop the will to want to be heard, seen, understood, respected are efforts that strengthen that will. 

The control that we had submitted to ego or to a limited sense of perceiving ourselves and self doubting (unhealthy ego) are both two ends of the same pole.

Awareness of our behavior and self control is the opposite of (actual) ego and a purpose for one's life beyond ego is maybe unfathomable as we like to cling to how important we are as people over and above others.

Therefore our purpose is not to defeat our ego but to accept that its presence does not affect us the way it used to. Perfection is regularizing our ego with expectations of better results from ourselves but accepting ourselves with our flaws, negative emotions, vulnerabilities and unpredictable behaviors are some ways to mend our broken definitions about ourselves and to make space for more acceptance of ourselves in our day to day living. Changing others opinions about us does not make a difference, but changing the way we see ourselves sure does create that change in our lives.

Allowing ourselves to just be is enough and perfect in itself. Stop making your body, your health, your mind the recipients of your unrealistic expectations from yourself. Ego can make the unrealistic look logical or even reasonable, and how far do we go to keep alive our false beliefs about ourselves and believing in what others say about us and trying to prove them wrong are the daily handiworks of the triggering ego.

Awareness of how far can ego justify its presence, its validity, its importance depends on how much room we make for it. It's an uninvited guest who enjoys ownership rights without rent and lives off you, your sanity, your peace for free. We need to coexist with it, that's all. 

Blind spots

 The similarity in my fantasies and reality from the past is that I have not allowed for my truth to come out as if I need to safeguard how insecure, underconfident, and powerless I feel and have to project an ideal image as per requirements.

So empty, so directionless, and simply confused on how to take control back in my hands for my life has been a major blind spot in my life, and it's as if I needed to adapt around the blind spot rather than face my truth for what it is. Fantasies and day dreaming don't make anything easier, or more under a namesake control as I get to be the star of my imaginations and display most often than not bold, straightforward, verbally correct sense of expressions. It's rehearsed so many times, the scene of my expression, and spoken by me in various altered mood, behaviour, tone and so on that I make it believable that I need to stay longer in my day dreams so that my lack of taking control of my life in my hands gets justified by being a shadow version in fantasies.

Yes, this is my truth and this is not something that I need to separate myself from from my present reality as embracing everything - the known, unknown, unresolved, confusing, weird, crazy, sad, angry and so much more is part of my being who I am today as much as this was who I was and maybe in a varied version in my past.

The delusion of being something in my fantasies when there's a deep sense of nothing within is confusing to say the least. I have emptied a lot of what was holding back from my past, including these delusions, as I have finally realized that I can allow myself to be who I am without carrying the weight of fantasies, past hurts, unresolved emotions and feelings on my shoulder.

I don't have to punish myself for wasting my time, energy, opportunities etc by bearing the cross but letting it go is the only sane thing that I can try to do. 

At present there's no goals, no set direction of work but just recording, journaling my truths like these as and when they pop up and burst some more bubbles from my life.

I simply have to trust my inner divinity, my will to want to stay committed to deeper self realizations, spiritual connections, and liberations from what doesn't serve me anymore.

Break free from your past bubble

 Don't doubt your inner truths because self doubts influenced by mental conditioning and trauma patterns and adapting to them unconsciously may make you believe that you don't deserve to be receiving the pure, break your bones level of truths which at first rip your heart open, but only to make you aware of how long you have made your mental conditionings your comfort bubble and have lived in them.

In a sense it's to live outside of them, the bubble that you define and compress your entire life experiences in as if minimizing your efforts, struggles and so on makes logic. It doesn't. Not from near or afar, they don't. Living outside of the bubble means to first allow it to break and even if there are many other colorful ones that seem to want to draw you back in them, but it eventually breaks, the weight of your inner truths surpassing the light as air fantasies, imaginations, procrastinations no matter how real they seem.

Even if we separate this as truths and this and that as fantasies, but they all need to be embraced, not criticized, because these very same fantasies and imaginations had made life bearable, lively and for me at least had made my life something to look forward to. Because I preferred living in the bubbles and had the joy and creativity and spontaneity in my head to keep creating and living in them and so much so that they began to own me and became my significant other that gave me the feeling of being seen, being safe, being self confident and so on. And this significant other, my shadow, is part of me and hence true to who I wanted to be.

It's not safe I understand to be stuck in fantasies anymore. It's a very active part of me and I may not shut it down completely, but fantasies are creatures of flight and they cannot be expected to bear the real responsibility of living a life as I am responsible to live and not entirely live through fantasies. 

I wish to step into becoming more and more natural and genuine to my skin, to my thoughts, emotions and feelings and just shed the layers of acquired heavy past traumas which simply block me. And no amount of fantasies can soften the hurts from emotional neglect and past traumas, but it doesn't heal anything either and just mimics the pain as if I am in control of them and being all confident and bold - because my pain is lack of self confidence and simply fantasizing that I am self confident is just rubbing salt to my inner wounds.

Allowing myself to be is the start of healing, and willing for the healing to happen is putting more focused efforts to create a healthy bond with myself and not self abandon and neglect. Enduring others criticisms in order to seek validation is not part of my programming in order to cope up and survive with them. It's really not worth it to take anything and internalize within beyond a certain limit.

I am responsible for my life and I take control of my life in my hands for today and the days to come.

Shadows and shells

 Being enmeshed was part of the way I had adapted to collective consciousness and it consumed my full inner space as an individual where I had lost trust in myself as an autonomous individual. 

It's like I had to enmesh with others presence, personalities, past, present, or whatever it takes to stay diluted as an individual and live as a shadow irrespective of how much powerless it made me feel - it felt like a safety net, this enmeshment, and I had to stay entwined in it in order to feel like I would be seen and I wouldn't be as ignored the way I had been ignoring myself.

There's contradictions in this obviously but the more solidified I could become as a person is by staying true to who I am moment by moment and allowing a bit of openness in my heart in order to love myself and see myself as a unique, deep, beautiful individual is new and yet a different journey I had never taken so far.

I just wish to be free from all the expectations I had placed on myself and just allow myself to breathe free. 

It's been purely suffocating, traumatizing, and a controlled, emotionally dysfunctional family where being a person of my own felt next to impossible. Since I enmeshed with all these toxic patterns of my family and felt I need to belong with them, I ended up dismissing myself completely as if I owe them my blind loyalty for allowing me to be part of the family.

I need to be permitted for each and every step in my life as a silent, judgmental, intimidating set of eyes were always following me scrutinizing my every move. And no matter how hard I tried to fit in, I would always feel like my uncles, aunts made me feel like it's a favor they have me in the family, in addition to my mother.

I got tired trying to fit in that I locked myself up in my room and eventually just stayed locked in, numb, powerless, disconnected, confused, anxious, sad and purely in trauma for not knowing what I am doing with my life and how to reach out to this vast space of emptiness within me.

Only this huge void was left as a result of inching myself out of my life to the point of being literally an outsider to my life. My body just mirrored this looping pain as if wanting to push me back into my body by making me aware of my pain, medicines, having to stay mindful of the medicine schedule, and just disinterestedly staying alive. 

My pain felt like an all prevalent pain as if there was no beginning or no end, or no head or no tail to it, but what's left of my life was just pain and I was actively pursuing it and also was overwhelmed with it and simply neglected, ignored, procrastinated until it went away. Medicines physically helped to deal with physical discomforts from time to time, but this way of disconnected, detached, anxious attachment to my life made me embrace enmeshment to get some sense of connection with others at the cost of negatively impacting my growth as an individual.

Connection(connecting) with toxicity at the cost of sabotaging myself in other words.

And this sense of toxicity came from my mother and my connection with her has been toxic love - the way she made me feel seen, cared for, was by projecting her trauma and criticism on me and this I saw as valid means to want to be punished/devalued/dismissed for causing distress to her. I had become so energetically enmeshed with her that my real sense of my life, my feelings, my desires, instincts, moods, reactions and so much more were simply layers within a shadow.

To bring this to light has been extremely hard, as if some thick layer of shell had to be torn open over and over until I could not bear the pain anymore. 

To play safe at the cost of tying myself to a post is simply stagnant, and to pull away from this is to break free from staying low, staying stuck, and staying unfulfilled with my given life. 

Because becoming is the new being.

 

Pushing past pain...

 Pain has always been a huge blocking fence that I used as a defense to not outgrow and kept to the limits of the space that pain confined me to.

Whether numbing my emotions and creating an emotional void within myself or giving in with weak self discipline to toxic self destructive habits, I used pain as an excuse and blamed my body for being so sensitive and uncooperative to what I expected it to do and also blamed my mother for her wanting to pushing her way into my life without respecting my boundaries to protect me.

Pain has been my everyday goto and craving for it somewhere so that I can belong to the limited space that I try to put myself into. Why? That's so that I can state this reason in order to not change and also not work towards future as pain has been made to be my constant as per my programming and it would get "uncomfortable" if I were to change that. Go figure!!

This painful roleplay is not what I have signed up to do with my blessed life. We create our mental grooves and force our life energy into it as if it would stay that way forever, as if pain is something that can be boxed in, either in my body or in my mental grooves and that I can give myself all the weak excuses to not will my way out of it or at least try to. 

It takes a lot of willpower or sometimes going against your flow in order to flow in a different direction but for a broader perspective that cannot be encapsulated in chronology of time, or ego, or stress levels, others approvals, our inner criticisms and expectations and so on. 

Newfound self love, a new beginning!

 I am beginning to see myself in a new light. A knowing that's too deep and painful and yet so liberating that I allow myself to be free from all the programming I put myself under. It's like a huge wall of block, numbness for not having created enough opportunities to know myself better has been removed. If this is what self love feels like, then I am all for it! I wonder why I resisted to get to know myself truly for all this time, but time delayed, time wasted, or no other version of time does not matter anymore because it's love that I see for myself and whether it's in whatever form that be - truth, kindness, vulnerability, feeling, listening, hoping, persevering, drifting, losing, gaining or whatever other words that could bring together this feeling but not limited to these alone, it's the most protected and spiritually encompassing feeling and it needs no external validation, no people pleasing, no dishonesty, no games, no guilt, no fear, no stubbornness, no numbness to hold onto.

It's like being myself is the biggest privilege that I have with me right now and am glad that I took this journey inward to make my efforts worth it. I have often wondered if I am good enough for still being given second or umpteen chances to get myself back up every day, but in all entirety of dealing with this beautiful push-pull dance with arriving at my consciousness and an awareness that I am not all the fear, pain, hurt, confusion that I define myself to but someone bigger than that limited definition which had suffocated me for so long that it was a punishment to be alive. 

I am alive all along for realizing my self - truly, deeply, beautifully and so much more unraveling yet to happen and it's an exciting prospect to look forward to that! To understand that all that endurance towards all that limited version of myself numbed me to be someone that I could never be proud of, confident of, and honest about just made me feel there's a reason to coming to this point in my life arc and that it had/it has mattered all along no matter what.

Time does not define my knowing deep within which is a fluid dance of intuition, truth, shivers, tears, sadness, release, and something so profound that no mind or its chatter can language and program. My inner child need not justify anymore why she had felt unfortunately safe in all these prisons that she thought she would be safe in, but has the natural freedom to come out and express herself the way she wants to. It's a relief to be able to do this and that she will be loved nevertheless.

It's so refreshingly new to finally get my back and to work my way towards owning who I am in whatever mind, body, and spirit form that I be in - it's alright and it'll be okay is all that I believe in. I will hope for and continue to believe in this until the last breath of my life. 

Love is such a fluid emotion that it's hard to create boundaries around it in order to protect it, but to protect lovingly the simmering and rising compassion for myself one day at a time is a sacred act and cannot be scattered away in selling myself short recklessly or too lightly either. I need to learn to view humility with this sense of objectivity that I keep growing, keep learning more about myself and expand my consciousness with awareness while remaining in this form on earth. No fake humility will do and I am done acting small, feeling unheard, being tolerant for no reason, and simply abandoning myself, my inner  child as if numbness is the safe cave that I can forever crawl back into. 

The caves have kept cracking for a while now and it cannot hold this new emergence of a new version of me in a new skin via logicalizing anymore. 

Logic is too small a formula to hold such a beautiful blessing called life in it - it's the shiny pearl that needs to come out and feel simply authentic and beautiful just as is, and my life has begun to emerge out of a long period of darkness that lies to myself, low self esteem, choosing not to believe in my feelings, hardening my spontaneous emotions had all created the hardened shell that kept me locked in.

Release is the new normal, refresh is the new start, and riding this wave a lifetime opportunity!