Newfound self love, a new beginning!

 I am beginning to see myself in a new light. A knowing that's too deep and painful and yet so liberating that I allow myself to be free from all the programming I put myself under. It's like a huge wall of block, numbness for not having created enough opportunities to know myself better has been removed. If this is what self love feels like, then I am all for it! I wonder why I resisted to get to know myself truly for all this time, but time delayed, time wasted, or no other version of time does not matter anymore because it's love that I see for myself and whether it's in whatever form that be - truth, kindness, vulnerability, feeling, listening, hoping, persevering, drifting, losing, gaining or whatever other words that could bring together this feeling but not limited to these alone, it's the most protected and spiritually encompassing feeling and it needs no external validation, no people pleasing, no dishonesty, no games, no guilt, no fear, no stubbornness, no numbness to hold onto.

It's like being myself is the biggest privilege that I have with me right now and am glad that I took this journey inward to make my efforts worth it. I have often wondered if I am good enough for still being given second or umpteen chances to get myself back up every day, but in all entirety of dealing with this beautiful push-pull dance with arriving at my consciousness and an awareness that I am not all the fear, pain, hurt, confusion that I define myself to but someone bigger than that limited definition which had suffocated me for so long that it was a punishment to be alive. 

I am alive all along for realizing my self - truly, deeply, beautifully and so much more unraveling yet to happen and it's an exciting prospect to look forward to that! To understand that all that endurance towards all that limited version of myself numbed me to be someone that I could never be proud of, confident of, and honest about just made me feel there's a reason to coming to this point in my life arc and that it had/it has mattered all along no matter what.

Time does not define my knowing deep within which is a fluid dance of intuition, truth, shivers, tears, sadness, release, and something so profound that no mind or its chatter can language and program. My inner child need not justify anymore why she had felt unfortunately safe in all these prisons that she thought she would be safe in, but has the natural freedom to come out and express herself the way she wants to. It's a relief to be able to do this and that she will be loved nevertheless.

It's so refreshingly new to finally get my back and to work my way towards owning who I am in whatever mind, body, and spirit form that I be in - it's alright and it'll be okay is all that I believe in. I will hope for and continue to believe in this until the last breath of my life. 

Love is such a fluid emotion that it's hard to create boundaries around it in order to protect it, but to protect lovingly the simmering and rising compassion for myself one day at a time is a sacred act and cannot be scattered away in selling myself short recklessly or too lightly either. I need to learn to view humility with this sense of objectivity that I keep growing, keep learning more about myself and expand my consciousness with awareness while remaining in this form on earth. No fake humility will do and I am done acting small, feeling unheard, being tolerant for no reason, and simply abandoning myself, my inner  child as if numbness is the safe cave that I can forever crawl back into. 

The caves have kept cracking for a while now and it cannot hold this new emergence of a new version of me in a new skin via logicalizing anymore. 

Logic is too small a formula to hold such a beautiful blessing called life in it - it's the shiny pearl that needs to come out and feel simply authentic and beautiful just as is, and my life has begun to emerge out of a long period of darkness that lies to myself, low self esteem, choosing not to believe in my feelings, hardening my spontaneous emotions had all created the hardened shell that kept me locked in.

Release is the new normal, refresh is the new start, and riding this wave a lifetime opportunity!

Upgrade your energy this New Year!

 Something new is going to start...a new wave of consciousness, a new push to our desires and goals, a new you, a new me, and a lot of heart and hope and belief that the old, stuck, and hurtful too shall pass. The belief in tomorrow is what this year end teaches us - that's what's gone cannot be replaced, but what is here can be lived, can be felt grateful for, and can be cherished for the connect it helps us make to that moment. It's as if to remind us that what goes around comes around - the moment or moments to feel grateful for always comes back to lead us on more towards such moments. 

We are ever so present in the creation of newer consciousness for ourselves and for the universe at large that it's totally alright to leave behind our fragmented, traumatized self from the past and gather together the accepted, nurtured parts of all those fragments and integrate them as a whole. We are not entirely our thoughts, but we are the energy field(s) that our thoughts create for us. We represent the layers of subtle moments,  their memories, and their energetic programming on our field as energies and as people. Maybe that's karma as a whole but how we behave, how we react and respond and how we manage to live the life that's given to us is on us, our free will. 

No one can force us to be - we are enough to be in situations, good,  bad, and everything in between. Situations pass through us as we are tools to embody that and also tools who are responsible to release them from our minds and hearts lest they get stuck as loops of negative, unnecessary, or overbearing trauma.

This New Year is a a fresh start to upgrade our energies and release the old, the wounded, the hurtful, and make peace with them and accept them as things from our past and that they don't bind us to them in anyway for today or for the days to come.

Victim narrative

 I am the problem, my mother is the victim - this scene has been staged so many times and done with such drama that I started to believe that I deserve to be neglected for being a problem to her while all that my mother did was keep me compulsively looped in with her narrative of trauma and tragedy so much so and with so much emotional neglect when I needed her that her lack of awareness of me as another person, another being is the result of such ignorance.

I adapted to this lack,  any no will to work towards claiming my own space in creating my life experiences in my journey. It's like I have not had a shadow of mine to walk next to me in this journey as I had lived like her shadow and kept myself in the dark of realizing, experiencing my feelings, emotions, struggles, highs, lows and everything in between.

To go deep into my inner world and realize, unearth my hidden self to the light, to see who I am in all my forms was something I could not go further as this truth became too overwhelming, but I did choose to explore - it's more of becoming true to myself and allowing myself to receive the opening of so many specks of glimmering pieces of me which came together slowly and sometimes suddenly. 

I did want to shy away as the truths seemed to blind my sight but kept looking forward in some way or the other. It's been a huge revelation as I knew I was enmeshed with my mother but mentally found it apprehensive, anxious, frustrating, to separate myself from her personality which I did time and again but was too exhausted that I might end up getting enmeshed again and may have to do the inner work all over again. But that's not true. Once I really started to see how disconnecting it has been for me at a core level to having to stay enmeshed with her, it dawned on me to stop resisting getting enmeshed all over again. There's no need to do that anymore as I have begun to work on my perspective of how I wish to set boundaries for her and me as she lives with me and I am not struggling with this truth anymore. And so no guilt, no inner chatter, no adapting to anyone. Just pure acknowledgement and releasing myself from this victim narrative as I love all the pieces of me put together and they complete me.

Love Thyself

Shadows need to dance with light,

"Step up and make a move," the light whispered, "or you can't enjoy this beautiful sight."

Fear, guilt, sadness, anger, laziness, had seemed to weave a tight knit layered carpet,

Hiding in the designs of life and projecting their mirage, a hustling market.

The light waited and waited long to embrace her darker self,

They were both one and met half way to face each other, dancing to the tunes of love thyself.

 

Finally Free!

The inner child has been in hiding for long,

Too shy to come out to play with the world and make connections strong.

Her parents traumas bound her to be enclosed in layers within,

But things got harder to hide as her suppressed feelings came out true and seething.

She had to wear various masks to not reveal her true self,

Some she was made to wear while some she fit herself into, piling lies in her heart's corner shelf.

Shadows of self doubts, fears, anxieties cast on them, reality blurring in true sight,

Projections are not for real, the inner child grew up to see,

No need of masks or others approvals to witness her inner light, her heart rejoiced, finally free.

vicious victim cycle closure

 I don't have to keep up being a victim. My body is not a storehouse of others projections of their criticisms, worries and patterns. I allow myself to be free from this vicious cycle of wanting to fix some aspect of my health or the other with medicines because self care, self love and resilience goes a long way in helping myself. I understand that my sensitivity in overall body might have also triggered various health conditions sometimes one after the other or in quick succession or whatever is the pattern that my body has behaved so far. But overdosing my body with medicines has been a self sabotaging practice that I have done by picking up this pattern from my mother who feels like a victim and who tries to fix whatever part of her that's ailing through medicines(owing to lot of emotional neglect from her family) and has passed it on to me as a pattern as I unconsciously had absorbed it from her. 

It's like I don't have enough trust in my body's ability to heal itself and so have to give that power over to someone else like my mother or the doctor who may know better and feel like even small issues that could have gotten fixed through certain awareness and mindfulness, cannot be taken up by me as I felt completely powerless in body, in mind, in spirit while manifesting this unconsciously right from an early age.

Now that this pattern has come to my light, I feel like what my mother feeds me is what I am trying to feed her back -  as in how she had raised me on medicines is how she wants to be tended to that is via medicines. 

I lost trust in my body and its ability to heal itself not because I was sensitive, but because I thought as I was told that I am a victim and so labeled myself a victim for life as I had assumed myself to be until today, and so will keep needing medicines one way or another as if I had signed up for this for all of my life. 

When medicines and money are my mother's only cure, then there's only THAT I had gotten to receive from her and not acceptance of for who I am as I am as I had always deeply yearned to receive. And so this validation or rather invalidation (owing to her medicines) from her had deeply hurt me and had created a huge block in my head as if my body is some sort of unfixable, defective product that has to be constantly fixed and "pampered" with her standard of care which weakened my inner strength and resilience a lot and weakened my will to live to my standards whatever they be.

K drama and J drama magic!

 K dramas and now J dramas are what I am crushing on currently. It's such a teenagy feeling to watch young couples fight and find their contradicting personality differences and yet iron the creases with empathy, understanding, and typical mills and boon formula love. It's like you live in the clouds when you see stories gushing with making love possible despite mental health challenges and difficult parent/background issues which seem to be the flavor of how two people, hero and the heroine, meet each other half way through and find common pathways despite these conflicts to fall in love.

These dramas are like mild sweetened desserts which never go over the top sweet and yet make the viewers feel like they have been served the best recipe for happily ever after. 

I live in such a fantasy myself and even if I am well past my 40's, the simple appeal of idealistic plots, honest communication, and simple yet layered characters who do their job well in the roles they play is a "I want to believe" vision to my sore eyes.

I wish our everyday lives were that beautiful, that sweet, or plain heartwarmingly simple and not be bothered by the burdens of the past. It's like I seem to live in a never ending tale of pleasant today when I am binging on specially romcom, or doctor/office romances, and the festive season magic adding its own year end charm in the kind of films other than shows the viewers gets to watch on.

2 eyes are not enough it seems!!