Victim narrative

 I am the problem, my mother is the victim - this scene has been staged so many times and done with such drama that I started to believe that I deserve to be neglected for being a problem to her while all that my mother did was keep me compulsively looped in with her narrative of trauma and tragedy so much so and with so much emotional neglect when I needed her that her lack of awareness of me as another person, another being is the result of such ignorance.

I adapted to this lack,  any no will to work towards claiming my own space in creating my life experiences in my journey. It's like I have not had a shadow of mine to walk next to me in this journey as I had lived like her shadow and kept myself in the dark of realizing, experiencing my feelings, emotions, struggles, highs, lows and everything in between.

To go deep into my inner world and realize, unearth my hidden self to the light, to see who I am in all my forms was something I could not go further as this truth became too overwhelming, but I did choose to explore - it's more of becoming true to myself and allowing myself to receive the opening of so many specks of glimmering pieces of me which came together slowly and sometimes suddenly. 

I did want to shy away as the truths seemed to blind my sight but kept looking forward in some way or the other. It's been a huge revelation as I knew I was enmeshed with my mother but mentally found it apprehensive, anxious, frustrating, to separate myself from her personality which I did time and again but was too exhausted that I might end up getting enmeshed again and may have to do the inner work all over again. But that's not true. Once I really started to see how disconnecting it has been for me at a core level to having to stay enmeshed with her, it dawned on me to stop resisting getting enmeshed all over again. There's no need to do that anymore as I have begun to work on my perspective of how I wish to set boundaries for her and me as she lives with me and I am not struggling with this truth anymore. And so no guilt, no inner chatter, no adapting to anyone. Just pure acknowledgement and releasing myself from this victim narrative as I love all the pieces of me put together and they complete me.

Love Thyself

Shadows need to dance with light,

"Step up and make a move," the light whispered, "or you can't enjoy this beautiful sight."

Fear, guilt, sadness, anger, laziness, had seemed to weave a tight knit layered carpet,

Hiding in the designs of life and projecting their mirage, a hustling market.

The light waited and waited long to embrace her darker self,

They were both one and met half way to face each other, dancing to the tunes of love thyself.

 

Finally Free!

The inner child has been in hiding for long,

Too shy to come out to play with the world and make connections strong.

Her parents traumas bound her to be enclosed in layers within,

But things got harder to hide as her suppressed feelings came out true and seething.

She had to wear various masks to not reveal her true self,

Some she was made to wear while some she fit herself into, piling lies in her heart's corner shelf.

Shadows of self doubts, fears, anxieties cast on them, reality blurring in true sight,

Projections are not for real, the inner child grew up to see,

No need of masks or others approvals to witness her inner light, her heart rejoiced, finally free.

vicious victim cycle closure

 I don't have to keep up being a victim. My body is not a storehouse of others projections of their criticisms, worries and patterns. I allow myself to be free from this vicious cycle of wanting to fix some aspect of my health or the other with medicines because self care, self love and resilience goes a long way in helping myself. I understand that my sensitivity in overall body might have also triggered various health conditions sometimes one after the other or in quick succession or whatever is the pattern that my body has behaved so far. But overdosing my body with medicines has been a self sabotaging practice that I have done by picking up this pattern from my mother who feels like a victim and who tries to fix whatever part of her that's ailing through medicines(owing to lot of emotional neglect from her family) and has passed it on to me as a pattern as I unconsciously had absorbed it from her. 

It's like I don't have enough trust in my body's ability to heal itself and so have to give that power over to someone else like my mother or the doctor who may know better and feel like even small issues that could have gotten fixed through certain awareness and mindfulness, cannot be taken up by me as I felt completely powerless in body, in mind, in spirit while manifesting this unconsciously right from an early age.

Now that this pattern has come to my light, I feel like what my mother feeds me is what I am trying to feed her back -  as in how she had raised me on medicines is how she wants to be tended to that is via medicines. 

I lost trust in my body and its ability to heal itself not because I was sensitive, but because I thought as I was told that I am a victim and so labeled myself a victim for life as I had assumed myself to be until today, and so will keep needing medicines one way or another as if I had signed up for this for all of my life. 

When medicines and money are my mother's only cure, then there's only THAT I had gotten to receive from her and not acceptance of for who I am as I am as I had always deeply yearned to receive. And so this validation or rather invalidation (owing to her medicines) from her had deeply hurt me and had created a huge block in my head as if my body is some sort of unfixable, defective product that has to be constantly fixed and "pampered" with her standard of care which weakened my inner strength and resilience a lot and weakened my will to live to my standards whatever they be.

K drama and J drama magic!

 K dramas and now J dramas are what I am crushing on currently. It's such a teenagy feeling to watch young couples fight and find their contradicting personality differences and yet iron the creases with empathy, understanding, and typical mills and boon formula love. It's like you live in the clouds when you see stories gushing with making love possible despite mental health challenges and difficult parent/background issues which seem to be the flavor of how two people, hero and the heroine, meet each other half way through and find common pathways despite these conflicts to fall in love.

These dramas are like mild sweetened desserts which never go over the top sweet and yet make the viewers feel like they have been served the best recipe for happily ever after. 

I live in such a fantasy myself and even if I am well past my 40's, the simple appeal of idealistic plots, honest communication, and simple yet layered characters who do their job well in the roles they play is a "I want to believe" vision to my sore eyes.

I wish our everyday lives were that beautiful, that sweet, or plain heartwarmingly simple and not be bothered by the burdens of the past. It's like I seem to live in a never ending tale of pleasant today when I am binging on specially romcom, or doctor/office romances, and the festive season magic adding its own year end charm in the kind of films other than shows the viewers gets to watch on.

2 eyes are not enough it seems!!  

Over protected exhaustion

 I am sick and tired of being told that others have it worse and that we are in a much better space because there's only space for just me singularly in my life and any shift in my perspectives in my mind is my responsibility and until then gearing this statement that others have it worse feels like people wish to cut short their listening of our problems and give a generic blanket statement for their lack of time and empathy. 

In truth we are all equals as we are given a human life and no matter what be our sex, time on earth, religion, beliefs, goals and so on, we are here as souls in a human body and try and make do with what's given to us to our best knowledge and awareness and respond to life given to us to the best as we can.

Since we expect that our struggles should matter and that by comparing with others and sometimes devaluing their problems and putting ourselves up as the perfect martyrs, perfect victims and turning all obsessive, moody, judgy, cynical, critical and so on, we just buy ourselves the "gift" of staying immune to real growth which lies in acceptance of your problems as much as of others in equal spirit and not putting oneself down and minimizing one's struggles just to go along with the perfect martyr or victim, one way or another.

So, the projections don't work and neither does hiding oneself in shadows.

You owe yourself the right to hear your problems, your pain, your sadness out and give it all the space and processing and healing that it needs and do not wait on anyone to unburden it out for you and make you feel heard and reassured. 

There's nothing worse not knowing the value of your struggles, your deeper reasons for putting up with others control and mood swings and your lack of awareness of where do you stand in your life, and your conjured images and dialogues about how valid you think you are in voicing your opinions, your assertiveness and staying in a loop of fake consciousness. And I am glad I have begun to understand the tip of this iceberg and as so many realizations melt away the blocks, it's a whole new sense of flow of my energy and perspectives.

My shadows have resisted my inner light and I have allowed for my real self to stay in darkness of my unconsciousness. I have waited for my darkness to go away as if I don't wish to take any responsibility for it and it's on others to understand or empathize and since I was "supposed to" empathize with my mother's mood swings, criticisms, frustrations, I got too tired to take responsibility for my own. Others taking control, involving themselves overly with my life and making me believe that I am powerless like the way my mother did has left a deep impact of self devaluation on me. 

I am recovering from that "over protected" exhaustion and lack of motivation to get involved with my life and learning to embrace life with its unique challenges and also blessings. Because understanding the balance between our inner darkness and light is a beautiful and important step to make deeper connections with ourselves and there's no  better or worse sense of connections that others make with themselves as honoring yourself, your journey, your life experiences matters a lot.

 

Roots and self growth

 To want to stay involved in my life putting myself first and not seeking validation from anyone is my goal. Life has been really kind in giving me many an opportunity to get to do that but it truly came after not knowing how to do so and slowly finding a way through through my inner truth and a supreme energy's protection to see my journey through safely in every step of the way.

I used to think that by scoring better grades, being more beautiful, having better health, getting words of support from my mother, and being encouraged by my peers, landing the right job, having a kid and so on  are all it takes to be on my life journey, but those were expectations too many and were not fully met with as it felt I could not meet my life half way through without all these coming to me to meet me the other half way. But the fact is that I am complete in myself as a creation of the supreme no matter what be my age, color, sex, caste, physical strength, mental health, material status and so on. I had stayed away from stepping on to the dais of my life waiting for the curtain to lift up from all these heavy, idealistic asks from others and kept living life by the sidelines as if I had deemed myself to do so.

What is truly within me shaping my life and giving me a core reason reason to live is not what I have gotten or how much I have lost, but how well connected am I with my honesty and sovereignty and that's been work in progress but something I have not lost sight of. 

It's how closer I inch towards this all preserving, all pervading supreme energy, it's that fulfilling - as if my brokenness has meaning, my inner strength to survive through the old getting wiped off from my heart, and a newfound energy to embrace moment to moment and hopefully will reflect in future as the future is nothing but a beautifully connected set of todays happening and it's not a predictable loop like we make it to be, but a wave of highs and lows that we bring ourselves together to navigate and go with the flow.

Our ability to trust ourselves and our inner truths is a courageous act and holding on securely is the source of our roots and self growth.