Love thy self and love thy inner divinity

 Believing in myself is the real challenge that has endured the test of time. For it was not easy, not deep seeded, not self worthy enough to want to have faith in myself because of the outer environment that I was trying hard to adapt to. It was more easy hence to neglect myself and just believe in what others had to say and which got absorbed as hardened beliefs. 

To believe that I am capable of receiving God's love and to reciprocate a wholehearted heart filled with love has been an on and off broken phenomenon that is so ego protected that it has taken me lots of letting go and as a result feel more broken but yet whole for owning my grief of not entirely connecting with my self and for staying dissociated for so many years.

Now feeling all this repressed pain and feeling my feelings has been healing and triggering many emotions in turns but am happy that I got to address them as much as possible and also learning to let go and surrender broken parts, sometimes fully fleshed out ones to the feet of God.

And so loving Muruga Perumaan without fear, without doubt, without anxiety, without making myself feel low and trying to prove anything to anyone and just feeling good and having faith in my true feelings for Lord Murugan is the most organic that gets humbly put forth to His feet. 

For loving Muruga means being really true to oneself and trusting the process of growing awareness and intuitions, and deepening one's faith through love and not merely knowledge. Because love fills even those kinds of darkness that one would have been ashamed to have been part of at one time and is not a substitute for infatuation, or showoff, or anything that needs verbal or artistic or whatever material expression that we usually associate love to project - it's one's own insecurities that finds a unique expression and which is tried to discover outside of oneself and is a self fulfilling prophecy in its own way.

Moving beyond mind handicaps

 When the mind is paralyzed with fears of uncertainties, anxieties about how to face them, and worry if everything will turn out alright, then life seems to come to a regular standstill as if being stagnant is a way of life and adapting to it is the only response left to live life.

I have been witness to such a state and it feels sad that I have not participated in living life with the flow but have resisted it through the above response. So much of unlived experiences is also my life but to want to let go all this is my choice and it's a regular thing. There's no how much that lightens the burden but how effective is my surrender to a higher energy and replacing my thought habits with mindfulness, and replacing my activities with a purpose to connect with my core and not just to justify outside expectations.

I do feel guilty that for all the protection and blessings that came my way, I just couldn't channelize it to convert it to opportunities for growth and the result being numbness in every aspect of my life.

What is mind handicap I get it now and it's a very insidious form of pain which makes living look like a mindless exercise instead of being grateful for the life being given to me.

It was my choice again and it's my responsibility to center my thoughts on what I resonate with and be true to it and implement that in action to the best possible levels that I can.

Let the world outside have its own expectations and judgements, but I can do only what is feasible and with as much clarity possible.

As much as I put myself through this stuck pattern of thoughts and actions for quite a while, it's equally my duty to forgive myself for doing this to myself and just release this pain. It's work in progress but I am happy that this is the flow that is opening the thoughts and energies of life possibilities, one day at a time. This is better than not being aware of this handicap at all and blaming others for lack of movement and limitations in my mindset.

When projections die a slow death and life comes alive...

 The fear and angst for not being good enough for your parent is the most primal fear possible - it's the overwhelm of processing this fear that ruptures the self trust that is so essential to reorienting with one's own energies for sustenance and growth. 

I have been having excessive fear from childhood and my fight and flight have both been paralyzed by this fear and the over indulgent protection of my mother that made me feel like an object she likes to own and fix from time to time and keep it close to her. Her emotionally distant behaviour, criticisms, and ultra practical mindset which believes in doing than being made me feel like no matter what I do to be good enough for her will  not be enough and so limited myself to not being true to my being which I had only a vague idea of. 

How to immobilize my life is all self done and there's nothing more painful to realize that despite the environment that I grew up and its dysfunctionalities inclusive, it just felt trust betrayed as no one cares at the end of the day how you truly feel and it's upto us individuals to tap into our being and find out what it needs. I was loved but not shown how much. There had to be a why in the background I guess and I just answered it myself saying maybe I am not healthy enough, smart enough, confident enough, pretty enough and so on and came to believe all these things. 

What you believe regularly and deeply becomes your truth and conditions your behaviour accordingly. Fear became my open ground and on it festered all these negatives which sapped me off core energy and thereby left me numb and under focused most of the times. 

Learning to vocalize about my anxieties, to deviate with hobbies when anxiety becomes too real and life outside unreal are something that I am trying to work on. Life prepares us to face all these inner struggles as the outer world with its energies keep happening as there's no shortcut or wishful thinking to make it all go away. We can't harness our inner world with its fears, worries, and anxieties and keep obsessing whatever situations and thoughts associated with it to be overwhelmed with the above and expect life to come our way. It's how you take control of your thoughts and inner chatter and the negative egoic mind that matters and helps you balance yourself as life is not working against us, it's working for us as we allow ourselves to go through with our fears and whatever blocks and allow ourselves to release it from time to time.

I was projected my mother's fears and worries on me and her quick criticisms which made it hard for me to get her acknowledgement and acceptance for who I am as she obsessed on needing me in her life but didn't know how to value me and sadly used her fear and worry programming to keep me close to her as I gave in to her projections. Her projections became my reality as I got stuck and adapted to that and didn't know how to create and grow in a world of my own and draw in my strengths to make my life my very own reality and not someone else's expected projections that I need to keep working towards and thereby stay irritable, distant and confused at myself and also at others.

And so I project my fears, worries, expectations and stay in flights of wishful thinking and fantasies where I participant as the main protagonist and stay stuck in it until thee actual reality fits in with reality outside. The reality could be positive, healthy, or simply not what is in alignment with me and my inner world, but this block that's created blocks out life for what is and denies the open mind to accept life for what it is and it's similar to my mother's not accepting me for who I am. 

So, what my mother did to me is what I am doing to myself. I am denying the need to be loved and to love myself for who I am. Life will change, shift, grow in so many dimensions that we can't even imagine in our wildest fantasies and dreams -  we are just here for a while and it's almost like an open and close eye duration and it's just the projections that seem to be consuming my focus in this short span of our living. 

Is being consumed in projections worth it? Adapting to limitations might have worked for me back then as a coping mechanism but adapting to such extent to lose out on conscious and clear thinking and living is taking the adapting too far. I have given space for such unhealthy adapting as a way of my living but life still remains as the not so fully loved child that needs all the care and attention that can be possibly given to it. God has trusted in us that we will take care of the life He has created at large for us and so many other species and elements along with it to coexist and live in harmony possibly so that we love our lives as we would our kid but not get blindly obsessive to want to make it cope up to our will and wish because our lives won't do that for us. We need to be able to shuffle, balance, and undo, rethink and learn new tools possibly to reparent ourselves so that we can be the caretaker that we can be to our life given.

We are born into a family, live in the midst of relationships, communities, religions, cultures, natural forces, and so much more that might help teach us to arrive at how to caretake our life.

It's a garden, the whole life, and despite our efforts some patches of green fade, some flowers bloom only seasonally, and some weeds just never seem to die. But hope springs like the rainbow at the end of the curve and life seems to come alive. 

Disorganized style inner child's journey

 Ego defense has been my major anchoring ground in being who I am. I have guarded it with cae so that the wounded inner child remains alive through the span of my life so far through how I relate to myself and to others and to life and it's challenges as a whole. It's become my comfort zone that I have been believing that I need and just have been stuck living in it all this time, wanting to continue living in it through the imaginary egoistic role plays where I get to have the final word in my imaginations where it's much more vocal than my reality. 

I have allowed rather submitted myself so much to this limited and yet shape shifting version(s) of ego defenses that the real me if there is is like discovering the light behind the clouds and just remaining under the shadow of the clouds without claiming the real power of the light.

It's an overactive egoic other that wants to be my constant mind voice wanting me to constantly engage and interact with it and to make it more colorful, indulge in the imaginative projections of it. It's tiring to be so unreal with life and when there's no other choice but to be real and accept life for what is - it's tiring to keep playing in and playing out as if it's the wounded inner child's preoccupied time that it doesn't want to share with anyone but just is a means to cope with all the uncertainties, expectations from her environment, and to continue to believe that she is in control of her life. Whereas it's the simple truth that the egoic mind is something I am not willing to let go of and when the essence of a higher energy is something that I am also humbly in tune with from time to time, it feels like I am at the same time nurturing both the evil and the good in me and want best results for me no matter what life challenges come my way. 

It's like I expect life to act a certain way while I carry within these divides and want life to be coherent and uniform with me. It's maybe the other way round that life will remain as unpredictable as it has always been and no matter how much controlling my egoic voices can take control of my life and priorities, but it can never limited the world outside to its shape shiftings no matter how diverse they may seem. I have allowed sadly these egoic defenses to run amok like kids playing in an open ground and not wanting to come back home. 

To come home to my heart and soul is my true homecoming and this restlessness until then which doesn't prepare me for anything basically but just splits my calm how much ever that be into pieces. I am broken no doubt but to stick to which piece which fits my groove is out of question now because i am so widespread in my disconnectedness and disorganized sort of self that I can only pick up from where I had left it behind and maybe only fall back into the same pattern over and over and just give in to the ego defense which thinks it knows better obviously than any other higher energy. Its level of ignorance is so high and equally transparent that despite its mirroring to me through the egoic role plays in my mind, I just have no sense of will power or strong sense of self to fall back on and just give in to the projections of this mirroring over and over.

Undoing and doing myself is what I have been doing but this strong attachment to my ego defense is something that I thought I needed to preserve somewhat my sense of self and authenticity, but it's just a shallow assumption. 

I have grown fighting through many an inner and outer physiological battles but nothing hurts deep and doesn't even allow us to feel its hurting than what the inner wounds can possibly do to us. My poor inner child had only this means to believe in some source of "assured" egoic projections to help fit in into her emotionally neglectful family and it's sad to see her get limited to being a wounded inner child and to continue to adapt to these limitations as a way to survive with all the dysfunctionalities outside. 

Assured as in no matter who stays with me or wins my trust and helps allay my fears to trust in them in return and to open up truthfully to talk what's hurting or who and just vocalize stuff whatever that be is something that I had to trade with the ego as if that's going to be my support no matter what. It does come back over and over even if the clouds are getting lifted off the light like an uninvited guest and I succumb to its entry as my sense of space and boundaries are so undefined that it takes full advantage of my generally open disposition to empathy. 

So, in essence, ego has been my mind double and also my body double in terms of taking over my physical mind and just blurring me out of my self actualizations for a long time until now. No wonder I felt so weak, fatigued, clueless about my life and what it truly needs in order to grow with it. 

Thank you divine guiding energies for helping me come out of this blur from time to time and to make me realize my inner child's journey alongside mine. 

Truthful realization of wounds

 My grief is so deep and invisible that it has taken me decades to fully realize its presence and grieve it. My father's absence in my life since he has passed was a given since he passed away before my being born while my mother was pregnant with me, but the fact that my mother chose to become a weak link between me and my father can't be denied and it's also equally true that how my mother made me feel by being the weak link and justified her insecurity for not being integrated enough despite her understandable brokenness is entirely her doing. But the way she chose to stay connected to self pity and seeking sympathy from her brothers and their families and isolating me in the process whenever I went through a health issue and which if was reminiscent to her about my father's health and issues, she would resort to addressing her triggers and helplessness by making me feel guilty about it. She in short made me feel like a victim and since I was so stewing in my fears and anxieties and trying to avoid feeling abandoned while she body shamed and grief shamed me into making her feel sad while I was ridden with regular migraines and nausea and vomiting due to this overwhelming pressure to process all her scattered and unresolved feelings and still be good enough for her.

I used to assume it's my high sensitivity and the heat and cold temperatures outside in nature which was repeatedly in turns making me sick, but it was in fact my mother's hot and cold mood swings that made me more body volatile and withdrawn and depressed. Since I was guilt tripped and shamed enough by using my dad's absence against me and that I was a sad reminder to her specially when I got sick, I really lost sense of trusting her and since as a child I didn't know if there were other options, I just learnt to cope up with her emotional neglect which she tried to cleverly disguise by justifying that she provided everything materially for me and despite doing so that I am being ungrateful or disrespectful or repeatedly falling sick and so on.

Her gaslighting me using my dad in context hardened my grief around his absence but since I didn't vocalize my feelings with anyone whom I could trust at home and since my mom I perceived to be my closest family of all, it just broke my self trust and kept me staying stuck in a loop of validation seeking from her and self doubting myself. 

She broke me up as I allowed her to break me and never got myself together to consolidate myself -  I keep picking myself up only to realize that I have become more disorganized in regulating my moods and behavior towards myself first and can easily choose to abandon myself just for the sake of placing precedence on her emotional needs and security issues. 

My father has been unconditional being in his spirit form and I share a special bond with him. He guides and protects me in his own unique ways which I am beginning to trust as my relationship with the spirit and the Holy energies is one of a kind and it's a beautiful feeling that the deeper repressed truths that when I bring to the forefront is energetically supported as I feel the vibes of the truths expressed and owned for in my body and is also equally therapeutic as I let go and release them to surrender to Muruga's feet.

To experience this truthful realization of wounds is a beautiful undoing and gift for being highly sensitive and spiritual and self aware and sometimes intuitive.

Deaddiction from anxiety...

 I think getting addicted to anxiety became my primary means of self expression and it curtailed expanding my personality and growth. Anxiety is not entirely bad in itself because it's a defense mechanism for alerting one to understand that a healthy way to interact and survive in an environment is turned off as per one's nervous system's triggers and warnings as it senses stressors in the environment and is hence anxious. But anxiety might help wake us up from what we might be missing out on also as anxiety is a major feeler to help us stay as perfect as possible. The minimizing of errors on our part can also come to the forefront owing to our anxious alert stage but if one starts to believe that one is always at fault, then staying anxious for want of coping up with this acquired label from the environment becomes a daily habit. Even if that seeming fault seems to be having health issues now and then, but the way one is made to feel and the way one responds as if always at fault becomes a pattern that unfolds and sticks to one's mind as some kind of conditioning.

This has been my conditioning as I have mostly believed that I am at fault for causing the stress that I have caused to my mother and for triggering her past memories owing to that and that my illness, whatever that be, or however short-lived that be, is like the trauma that I have habitually bonded with in some form or the other. I have fed off this sick thought that I can survive only if I continue to cope up with pain, mostly physical, and just withdrawing further down into dull numbness and fantasizing my proactive other in my imaginations. While my mother continues to thrive on controlling off of my life and materially keeping me "safe" and "secure", but what she has made me into is a mess. 

To let go this addictive habit of staying anxious or drawing in anxiety from my mother in order to stay anxious is something that I have become aware of and try to let go. Because the more I stay anxious and get restless if I am not so, then that much numbing, sad, impulsive, reactive and so on I get. I feel sad for myself for allowing myself to become this but with mindfulness, slowing down, and journaling, feeling my feelings and letting go, I have become better at identifying how much to interact with anxiety and how unnecessary it is to prove myself over and over as it's by being oneself that one becomes who one wants to be and not by doing. 

I had and still do focus a lot on doing to be someone but the ease to slip into in order for being whatever that is is enough for me and that's not a stagnant destination -  it's a constant flow of self discovery and it's okay to feel, to make mistakes, to have mood swings, and so on.

Let it go

 I am feeling trapped in my house here with my mother. It's like I have chosen to stay enmeshed with her and don't know how to see a way out of this. And the apartment that's my mother's that needs to be sold off is also not sold off yet and I am here out of duty to facilitate selling it off and not out of love for her. I still have not released a whole lot of suppressed anger, unresolved sadness, and just simply letting it all go..Because I was so tuned into through anxiety and fear as part of conditioning by my mother that I never got to experience what being genuinely loved by her feels like. The nurturing that I got from her was seeped in her anxiety to overprotect me and fear that something might happen to me. Since appa's passing and my being born after that I guess I can understand her fears to an extent, but making someone a victim and enabling this victimhood by her anxiety and fears is really painful to let go -  it's like she has taken control of my life and just pushed about it unmindful about my boundaries and just lived on my behalf and just made me feel so helpless, lifeless, and so out of sync with my life that I do not fully know what living my life and taking control of it actually means. 

Life is uncertain, I understand, but the opportunity to have lived better doesn't repeat or come back as time lost is lost and I am deeply sorry and take responsibility for doing so. 

Having walked on egg shells all along, I don't know what it takes to freely and not looking back walk ahead looking forward to life. 

All this realization, one after the other is saddening but I am happy too to know my suppressed pains and what it feels like instead of staying numb and blindly staying attached to my mother as she had programmed me to do so, and now coming to terms with what it means to let go even if fears and anxieties crop up, but to let go the unlived times, opportunities, learnings, freedom and all, is my point of self acceptance and when done with love and kindness, it makes all the difference.

I do not wish to live the lack, loss, repression, anxiety, sadness alone as they have been part of my life and not the entirety. And they belong to the past, most of it, but I can now take the right, the power to fully look forward to being open to life and not limit it to painful portions of it and keep coping up with it and withdraw inwards and keep repressing my life. Because coping up with painful portions of my life is what felt like living my life back then, but I realize that the more I hold on to this, the more it hardens, this pain..just continuing to cope up and not releasing it is like reliving my past habit and this has to go...for my higher good, for my peace, for my mukti.