Don't get cornered but put the distractions in its place

 Distractions are needed to cope up with the stressors of one's life but getting so lost in distractions is leading oneself to the dead end of one's consciousness and mindfulness of reality. 

To experience self denial of one's true awareness of one's reality which is inclusive of goals, challenges, hurdles, and some joyful, healthy detractors that helps not get stuck in the trials of disappointments, delays of manifesting of one's goals and aspirations is in short to say denying the opportunity of opening oneself up fully to living.

Living is how well you experience, endure, learn, let go, and move on in response to life. This learn and play ground has room for all of us students to explore, create, have fun, and just keep trusting ourselves for how best we can do what we can and release what we cannot to get through to the end of our lives exploration as an all inclusive experience.

To continue to lighten up through the myriad dense layers of our past, of what can be changed and what cannot, and true acceptance of being a human through it all is what makes this journey a work in progress. Only when we are okay within ourselves to let go our heavy attachments to our toxic habits, hurtful memories, old habits which all put together are consistently and yet unproductively repeated and which acts itself out in our ways of being, behaviors, life choices is the start to our real transformation.

 Distractions then as means to cope up with the pain of real, deep change from within does not reduce the pain of letting go but to stay under the make believe fear and stickiness to our used to living from the past has to be addressed. Loosening up on the intensity of life transformative changes is important but not to the extent of losing focus of who we are in this process. 

We still continue to remain the core subject of our lives and no amount of objectification of people, places, things and so on as priority over ourselves helps. Therefore discernment with distraction is the need of the hour and the ask ourselves how we feel, what we think about changing situations maybe day to day or periodically is a huge way to bank on ourselves without losing trust in our inner strength, our efforts, and how far we have come so that self prioritization remains the core subject of our lives.

To be absorbed by the other and not have enough space for self is severely limiting and hence adapting to such a self defeating and unproductive habit is something I have been personally working on to let go. Many a distraction takes precedence whether it's social media, the neighbours, friends, family and so on, but to keep reminding myself that I am worth all the inner work in progress puts the distractions in its place. 

Home is where the heart is

 When you don't see your pain the way it needs to be seen and you expect for another's empathy to see your pain face to face, then it's most likely a way of blinding yourself to your own conditioning and trade pity or sympathy from others for acknowledging your pain as it is. 

And there's no better person than you to see and feel your pain with kindness and acceptance possibly and treat it with some level of personalized and truthful commitment. Stop expecting apology from others specially those who hurt you as a quick fix to heal your inner wounds which might have festered and become numb for long. 

To bring yourself to humbly accept your own level of ignorance, innocence, or even arrogance, stubbornness, and denying what's truly painful within yourself is to give away the opportunity to live life to the fullest whereby it's not just the joys and happiness which make memories but those mentioned above as well create some unforgettable memories which leave behind scars.

We tend to express how traumatized, lonely, and sad, not understood we feel when we tend to focus on the scars which is nothing but the shadow side of pain or pains in our heart. Staying stuck on the inner scars wounds us even further and disconnects us from our core inner wounds which we may not have addressed accurately for lack of articulate emotional expressions. But still it's a wound not tended or cared for and the more the wounds, the more the numbness, the more the depression that envelops the clarity of our thinking, feeling side.

The inner wounds need to come into light, into the truth of our awareness and what's repressed, stifled, shoved under the carpet has to come clean and plain without the drama of stagnant ruminations. 

Truth of who we were when we stopped choosing authenticity over collective consciousness needs to come in front of our naked eyes without the influence of rose tinted glasses of our preconceived notions, programming, and habitual perceptions of our reality on a day to day basis. Because reality of how deeply we have been hurt and how harder it is to process, regulate, release, forgive (oneself and the others) is exhausting from a soul level, but the fear of getting hurt by such truthful contemplations either by oneself or as guided by spiritual interventions, therapies and so on is what makes the rising of this unique and spiritually transforming aspect of the self so challenging and yet incredibly rewarding, and not to forget life changing.

To bear the dead weight of who we are not when alive is a bigger block and self sabotaging at the least and hence to resolve to commit to being true to this profound and deep healing within oneself is the most liberating and cleansing. 

The fragile interwovenness between one human to another within a family, community, country and so on are held together by truth which stays unbreakable no matter what the age, era, timeline - truth does not change, but the way we are held together by it as a human and living consciousness in this given time does matter. 

Our souls speak and listen in the language of our inner truths and that home is where the heart is. No shouting from the rooftops needed here, just a warm, simple, honest space where the soul can thrive and speak freely.

  

I give myself permission

 I give myself permission to:

Be true to my feelings whatever it be

Be true to my emotions, highs and lows, and take personal responsibility for how I connect to my life

Let go patterns, habits, heavy energies that bring me down.

To stay away from people and maintain healthy boundaries whenever the "holier than thou", "smarter than thou", more of this and that than thou" attitudes are implied in conversations.

Be kind to myself as I deserve to be in the limelight of attention I give to my body, mind, and soul.

Not ask for another's validation regarding my pain, conflicts, trauma, and inner landscape, whatever it be.

Be an individual who also learns to ask for support wherever required and not expect too much perfection from myself and refrain from staying in inner critic mode.

Be goofy, childlike, naïve, innocent, sincere, unassuming, moody, crazy, witty, adventurous, spiritual, simple, honest, and be a human finally.

Be playful and creative with my imaginations, creativity, and spontaneity. 

Be more forgiving, less harsh towards myself and give myself time, space to heal, grieve, release, rest, and connect with my life not as a numb duty but as a mindful and aware alignment with my mood, feelings, and emotions as a human on a day to day basis.

To snap out of patient mode and healthily embrace being highly sensitive, energy absorbing, intuiting, spiritual, observant, emotional, blocks releasing person. 

To believe that my present is healthy and well and that my future would be healthy and well as well.

To snap out of self doubts and stay true to what I sense, feel, and think about a given situation with openness.

To prioritize my life, my emotional, physical needs, my wellbeing, peace, balance and calm, and to stop making others, be it anyone my priority just to feel "more" useful, productive, and satisfy their expectations and so on.

To not focus on missed opportunities to become the individual that I could have been but put together all the efforts, struggles, brokenness, perseverance, courage, sadness, anxiety, creativity, spirituality, faith in a higher power and finally faith in myself to be the individual that I am today is all that matters.

Move past the pains of who I could have been and focus on who I am and what I need from time to time.

Remind myself every now and then that I am not a mechanical, impersonal, coldly objective, and self neglectful person that I had gotten used to be habitually and that doesn't serve its purpose anymore and that this way of my being has to CHANGE and change is for good, and that I am a beautiful work in progress.

Be a gift to yourself

 I was never seen as a child who would grow up eventually but had to be the mature one as my mother simply treated me as an infant who refused to give up the trauma and the overwhelm of delivering a baby without her husband by her side (and her having to bear the weight of pregnancy all by herself with my father's sudden demise during her first trimester) was something I could get to experience long after that episode had occurred and if I had grown up much more than the infant she still wanted me to be -  all easily manageable and pretty perfect when she used to go to office while the caretaker took care of me as an infant. But as I grew up and had a and still have high sensitivity as in bodily and also emotionally, she found that to come in the way of her functioning as an office goer smoothly and without any stress, and she made it a point to complain before everyone (her brothers wives with whom we both lived in a joint family) and made it a point to get sympathy for the situation she was in whether I had migraines, fevers, abdominal pains during pains and so on, her constant whining and feeling frustrated that she had to take care of me all by herself made it hurtful, confusing, and I started to feel more and more abandoned and wanted to remain invisible as a way to cope up the way my existence, my life was being projected as if I was a constantly repaired toy that she was really fond of but was irritated that it gave her lot of stress for being the way it is.

I could relate to myself as an 'it', as if an object which needed ultra high protection, but was treated like scrap whenever ironically I was feeling well and didn't have health problems as she would never bother talking to me any more than few lines of formal, courtesy questions just to check on me.

The how's of learning to love myself was something I looked upto from my mother and felt more disappointed, drained, confused, sad and so on as she could like me if not truly love me for who I was without any health issues, and this hardly happened even if I tried to suppress how I genuinely felt about anything in my life as I thought by suppressing any health problems, I would be better accepted.

She made me feel stressed for being who I am in whatever form of health that be and this truth I could not understand as I was not that aware back then and just tried my best to cope up with the circumstances.

She was in fact inadequate emotionally with her (im)maturity as she was not working on preparing herself to grow along with me and I had this unspoken sense of not able to be a child but to have to step to be grateful, obedient, and physically healthy in order to try to fit in into the shoes of my growing up years. I got stuck in those shoes and that affected my steps forward as it deeply affected the relationship with me and how much love and support I could provide to myself through organic self love.

Self love would only manifest if I give up the need to feel small, believe I am wrong and responsible for other people's mindsets, and genuinely let go the many layers that I had surrounded and engulfed myself in which is a constant state of disbelief for loving myself for who I am as I believed all my life that I would be loved only if I am so and so. 

And so self love is such an ignored, abandoned concept that I had disconnected from that I didn't realize that I would self sabotage my health, mental wellbeing further with one foot ready to move forward with the next steps towards my life advancement and another holding me back that it's too effort consuming, energy consuming, and that I am already sensitive and somewhat weak and so removed myself from investing myself into anything constructive for my life and wellbeing.

The intuitive nudge came in 2019 when a voice from within said that I was not true to myself and from there on my efforts started to come together but without genuine self belief and kindness towards myself, I just did the inner work of actualizing my suppressed feelings and blocks but had a lot of anger and sadness attached to it. 

It was only gradually and some 4,5 years into truth seeking that I could get a sense of how far I had moved away from myself and how important it was to move closer to myself and no amount of closeness to divine energies and gurus was enough until I felt deep down good enough about myself and had more strength in my faith.

Faith is your true and open love to your inner self and the God who lives in it and the more I started looking inward, the more it made sense that truth helped me bridge all those parts that I was disconnected with and also helped me reconcile truthfully that there's only so much I can mind and that I am not some repaired toy to be frustrated and criticize about the way my mother behaved with me.

I am a separate self, an individual who has her personal space, her energy boundaries, and there's no better way than to tend to it, take care of it, and be there for it more than trying to adapt to being there for others in order to perform as a daughter, as a niece, as a cousin, as a granddaughter, as a friend and so on which I was doing and living this way in a loop until recently. 

I do feel bad for this younger , innocent version of me who felt under pressure to be, to perform a certain way so that I could get accepted for who I am. I could never accept me for who I am without seeking validation from others. But this is a thing of the past and all this has been possible owing to my sensitivity and intuitive nature which helped me connect back to my inner truths and it has been a life changing and beautiful turn of situations, circumstances and also my choices which have all added up to becoming more and more self aware and kind to myself. 

My being open and kind has been a precious gift  which I have either given away unthinkingly and has been a thankless job, but the more I stay true to it with awareness, sensitivity and kindness, the more this gift is what I feel good about and proud about. 

Karmic Teacher

 My mother-in-law's toxicity and inner garbage has reached all new heights of psychological pollution for those around. She resists being the disinfectant that she can be and is so consumed by her own addictive need for dramatizing her emotional baggage that others can't bear weight of anymore and sends dense vibes effortlessly which others including me wish to keep away from. 

She is the pest in the garden of acceptance, forgiveness, and letting go because she can chew away on all the supportive manure and leave her root to rot and expect other flowering plants to sympathize and stop their individual growth in order to support her. She can't support herself let alone enable others in their growth. A damage beyond repair is the state of her inner emotional and mental damage and she is responsible for it.

She resists inner introspection, honestly asking herself about her behaviors, thinking patterns, and wants others to dive and sink with her in her shallow, dark insecure, moldy waters and that's really not possible, and she knows all too well but cannot resist drinking and spilling over from those same waters even if many a pot has broken completely, unable to carry the weight of her stuck emotions, mood swings, vengeful tendencies, comparing and belittling others and playing the victim card herself - I wonder how less perturbed can one be and not get overwhelmed at all by the grossness of her past traumas which wouldn't have trickled down to the gross level had she developed and strived for refining herself and seeing herself stronger and inspiring in her own way, rather than proving a point or two or more about being the victor in the victimhood and expecting her family and relatives to sympathize with her over and over.

Her traumas from her past have hardened her to stay stuck within an angered, helpless, victim mode rumination which she has not snapped out of and is a negative source of energy wherever she goes. She looks at life from her own lens and can never look beyond and see bigger at others struggles or even bother knowing how others cope up or had dealt with their respective traumas, because there's almost everyone under the sun who has gone through challenges and traumas and it's the way each of us responds which makes us who we are from within. 

And so challenges are not given to corner you or anyone in particular, but it's life's way of testing your resolve, your strength, and in helping through them for your soul to take home lessons and experiences.

My mother-in-law has been a challenge and a pain to me but has been a karmic teacher in her own way for giving me the above lesson on inner strength, as it took a lot of it, trust me, to see her for who she really is and not get infected by her toxicities.

Reconnect with your soul

 My connection to how much I made believe my lies to be true and self gaslighted into victimhood expecting freedom from her trap from those she made herself feel small with in order to adapt herself with others and that means literally everyone. I didn't know the first thing about being myself and was neglecting that until it gets invisible for me to really tune to so that I can let that slide as if I don't matter yet again all over again for all these decades of experience of doing that to myself.

It got so thick and numb in me that I just couldn't cut the layers, the root of those layers, and the space that it took within me eating my insides out as if an infested bacteria that was feeding off my emotional pain and physical sensitivities. It was as if I just had to give in in order to stay true to adapting to this self created limitation pattern that got woven into how I was looking at my life, and so much of it seeped into past wounds as if they have been empowered to define me. And the real pain was that it had stopped hurting - it stopped hurting to not be genuinely myself, my moods, highs and lows, frustrations, fears, anxieties and so much more.

What truly stood out for me was how many times I had gotten saved, cautioned, protected, guided, reassured and so on through divine interventions -  just quick, clear messages coming straight out of nowhere and landing when I really needed to hear, feel, or see them, but it took me long to realize that I was not willing to see how close I was to the spirit world and was seemingly burying myself with the smallness of my adapted limitations that I had repressed myself to fit into.

There was nothing new about my life and I had taken chances to try something new but only to want to have the old patterns of thinking and old habits to stick through for me as if they had to be my close friends to see me through. And they did do that but there's only so much that old friends can come along specially ones who are not good enough for you and you are just holding onto them because you think you need them, and they have just pushed past your boundaries to indulge, utilize and misuse your big, giving, creative, kind space.

It's true then that it's not who you were that matters now but who you are and who you want to be and become that matters. It's just work in progress and at whatever timeline that really kickstarts doesn't matter as long as you keep going and are sincerely committed to it.

You can restart your connections - what makes you feel hopeful, feel like your heart expands in joy, like your tears wipe out the dust from the limiting layers collected from the past, like you can trust to talk, to cry, to open your heart to your God, your guiding energies, your higher self, because you deserve to have a moment or two of quiet, of truth, of love, of gratitude, if you really mean them in any particular order that maybe or even not and have a bone to pick with, but truly spoken from the heart, from the crust of innocence, from the clear voice of your inner child, is all that matters. The validation that you are heard, understood, loved, protected is a beautiful gift and not something to let go of if you discover them from deep within your inner core, from your God within.

It's just one life we have got we think or we maybe like this from many past births, but not being the same old self making the same old mistakes and feeling like nothing new is happening is a loop we can break free from at least in this lifetime. We can recreate ourselves if we allow that to happen by willing to change how we see ourselves, what we think of about ourselves, and what are the words, the inner chatter we go through to create the narratives that makes our life stories what it is in our minds. We can if we put our hearts into it change our life narratives and take immense pride, responsibility, and trueness to this purpose if we channelize how to delimit ourselves, how to reconnect with our soul, our inner soil, and grow fully, unconditionally, and with all the love that you choose to nourish it with.

Forgiving myself - a big bucket list 🙂

 To forgive myself - the hatred I had harbored for my body because it was/is "too sensitive".

To forgive myself - for seeking constant approval for my health conditions and emotional support for helping me regulate my emotions and feelings.

To forgive myself - for abandoning my true feelings, frustrations, emotional pains, sadness, anger, hurt and adapting to environment by repressing them.

To forgive myself - for not trusting my inner strength enough and seeking validation from others for who I am, my personality, individuality, and weak boundary setting, and giving in easily my will power by not working on my resilience and constantly staying in a state of numb repression and robotic way of functioning on day to day basis.

To forgive myself- for thinking I can't put forth my opinions and shutting down on my individual voice and just obliging with an ideal picture of myself in order to adapt to others expectations.

To forgive myself - for lying to myself every day just so that I can stay in the victim mode and keep expecting empathy or understanding from outside world and form judgements that I stubbornly stay stuck to.

To forgive myself - for depriving my self of genuine self respect and trying to justify others definitions of who I am and who I should be.

To forgive myself - for not honoring my life space and taking control of my life as my responsibility and choosing to disconnect, stay indifferent at the cost of my inner growth as a person.