Why are you lost?

 I truly feel sorry for my inner child for having made her get stuck on "shoulds," "should nots," as expected from us children by the elders in an emotionally chaotic joint family comprising 20 or more members. 

My inner child learnt earlier on that in order to survive in this family I have to comply with the unspoken laws, rigid and controlling behaviours of my uncles and somehow keep proving to my mother that all the money, time, and energy is worth it on me as she kept criticizing me for every migraine attack which started right from my childhood and as early as when I was 6 years or so.

My heart and mind feels heavy as I look back at the confusion that I suppressed myself down with and looked up at my mother, my uncles and aunts, and cousins for some sense of understanding, acceptance, genuine support but all that I had gotten was sympathy, criticism, body shaming, and insensitive remarks and comments on my health. I really don't know how I managed to navigate through all this and still stayed alive and going forward with the next day and the next.

I am bad at so many things I admit like goal setting, decision making, self discipline, and creating boundaries but all that I didn't realize, release, process, regulate and clearly speak out to ask for help which in all have made me an alien to my own mind and feelings, emotions, highs and lows, and so much more. It's like I habituated myself to self neglect so much so that I didn't realize I had insulated myself from living fully well connected and true to my life, my inner world.

All the stagnation that it created is a lot of undoing to release and sweeps my feet off the floor sometimes in overwhelm and deep sadness. I am truly sorry to my inner child for not allowing her to grow up with these experiences and staying stagnant with confusion, overwhelm, anxiety, and stubbornness.

So much so that I had lost all or any joy for living. What's there in it to be hopeful, joyful about? Is it possible for me to be feeling joy while living with my body? It's God's creation, all of it and all of us in our own ways, but to refrain from stagnation in confusion and releasing fears, or whatever that I am feeling from time to time is an important takeaway for me. 

I am lost and at least I know why. 

Discover your inner power through creativity

 The privilege to become aware of your power (not materially, academically or from any acquired status whatsoever), your true inner essence is the unearthing of the diamond from the dust. It's a long haul of an effort and not something that you can just wish for to manifest, but your real presence under pressure of situations is the pathway through which you break free from being the old you - the power to discover who you can be is a fascinating trip that leads all the way back to your past and collects in its flow the raw, dense parts that you keep invisible in order to project your 'perfected' parts, and opens through the filtering an unlocking to who you are at present, and who you might become is never linear or logically bound but a collapsing of timeframes for transformation to a newer you.

So, the spirit of a life journey lies in being present to life, to its challenges, to its twists and turns, and just find your innate courage to travel through this flow as who you are and not get swept by life's challenges in whatever shape or form. Your ego doesn't provide the needed harness to align you to carry through with the flow, but your intention to stay true to this life changing process where your spirit is the flow and you become one with the spirit and just travel beyond the confines of time.

Your creativity in expressing yourself is who you are and as you unleash that creative energy no matter what be the distractive forces that make you get distracted, but working towards your goals, purifying your intentions, and decluttering your mind are the tools to discover the diamond in you. And this is not a mental process alone but a deep dive in your imaginary world, a space of safety and freedom, and not corrupted by the disconnecting shields which create nothing but stagnation  -allow your inner child to playfully lead the way to this safe space within you and bring out your hidden colors, no matter what be your real age, to the centerstage. Overanalyzing how you can bring your creative expressions will kill the spell before it begins - the magic is in the becoming and not rigidly adapting to who you think you were or are as seen from your eyes or from others perspectives.

Give yourself permission to know your power to create, not just in writing, drawing, singing or any particular set of activities you might be familiar with, but entering the space of the unknown, the new, newer, if need be to align with your spirit, body, and mind.  

The peacock's dance in the rain

 The peacock dances to the call of the clouds arching in rainbow like the train of feathers in loud vibrant colors. It playfully dances in the sudden showers of cloud burst without a care in the world, it's feet pecking the slush and the damp grass, one beat a time. It carries a whole world of joy in its one swirling move, the rainbow on its back shining in fresh rain drops, hopping and playing and responding to the coos of the cuckoo sitting atop a nearby tree.

This transient yet ethereal moment stood frozen in time as Lord Muruga smiled at his pet vehicle, the peacock, which had taken off at the sight of fresh rain, leaving behind His Master on trail.  

He was fond of his peacock as it pecked away at the hardened grime of karma in the hearts of Muruga devotees. It was the peacock's way of saying to not carry a heavy heart and just let go being pulled down by past, by difficult people, and by troublesome circumstances as it flew circling Muruga in the heavenly skies.

The spear and peacock are Lord Muruga's weapon and vehicle to vanquish the inner or outer demons in this universe through the slicing open of the veil of ignorance, separation, and past life karmas of that of His devotees and clearing their path towards oneness and love and surrender for Muruga. The human heart is caught in the want for belonging and being loved and assumes that earth is the place to be in order to get that. Earth is a stopgap and not a permanent place of stay as the human soul learns and forgets this over and over - the silver lining can never be the cloud as human life teaches this lesson over and over and yet like raindrops that never satiates the full thirst of those on earth but yet brings moments of hope, joy, and childlike playfulness like the peacock, are the moments that humans want to be more alive for.