Reconnect with your soul

 My connection to how much I made believe my lies to be true and self gaslighted into victimhood expecting freedom from her trap from those she made herself feel small with in order to adapt herself with others and that means literally everyone. I didn't know the first thing about being myself and was neglecting that until it gets invisible for me to really tune to so that I can let that slide as if I don't matter yet again all over again for all these decades of experience of doing that to myself.

It got so thick and numb in me that I just couldn't cut the layers, the root of those layers, and the space that it took within me eating my insides out as if an infested bacteria that was feeding off my emotional pain and physical sensitivities. It was as if I just had to give in in order to stay true to adapting to this self created limitation pattern that got woven into how I was looking at my life, and so much of it seeped into past wounds as if they have been empowered to define me. And the real pain was that it had stopped hurting - it stopped hurting to not be genuinely myself, my moods, highs and lows, frustrations, fears, anxieties and so much more.

What truly stood out for me was how many times I had gotten saved, cautioned, protected, guided, reassured and so on through divine interventions -  just quick, clear messages coming straight out of nowhere and landing when I really needed to hear, feel, or see them, but it took me long to realize that I was not willing to see how close I was to the spirit world and was seemingly burying myself with the smallness of my adapted limitations that I had repressed myself to fit into.

There was nothing new about my life and I had taken chances to try something new but only to want to have the old patterns of thinking and old habits to stick through for me as if they had to be my close friends to see me through. And they did do that but there's only so much that old friends can come along specially ones who are not good enough for you and you are just holding onto them because you think you need them, and they have just pushed past your boundaries to indulge, utilize and misuse your big, giving, creative, kind space.

It's true then that it's not who you were that matters now but who you are and who you want to be and become that matters. It's just work in progress and at whatever timeline that really kickstarts doesn't matter as long as you keep going and are sincerely committed to it.

You can restart your connections - what makes you feel hopeful, feel like your heart expands in joy, like your tears wipe out the dust from the limiting layers collected from the past, like you can trust to talk, to cry, to open your heart to your God, your guiding energies, your higher self, because you deserve to have a moment or two of quiet, of truth, of love, of gratitude, if you really mean them in any particular order that maybe or even not and have a bone to pick with, but truly spoken from the heart, from the crust of innocence, from the clear voice of your inner child, is all that matters. The validation that you are heard, understood, loved, protected is a beautiful gift and not something to let go of if you discover them from deep within your inner core, from your God within.

It's just one life we have got we think or we maybe like this from many past births, but not being the same old self making the same old mistakes and feeling like nothing new is happening is a loop we can break free from at least in this lifetime. We can recreate ourselves if we allow that to happen by willing to change how we see ourselves, what we think of about ourselves, and what are the words, the inner chatter we go through to create the narratives that makes our life stories what it is in our minds. We can if we put our hearts into it change our life narratives and take immense pride, responsibility, and trueness to this purpose if we channelize how to delimit ourselves, how to reconnect with our soul, our inner soil, and grow fully, unconditionally, and with all the love that you choose to nourish it with.

Forgiving myself - a big bucket list 🙂

 To forgive myself - the hatred I had harbored for my body because it was/is "too sensitive".

To forgive myself - for seeking constant approval for my health conditions and emotional support for helping me regulate my emotions and feelings.

To forgive myself - for abandoning my true feelings, frustrations, emotional pains, sadness, anger, hurt and adapting to environment by repressing them.

To forgive myself - for not trusting my inner strength enough and seeking validation from others for who I am, my personality, individuality, and weak boundary setting, and giving in easily my will power by not working on my resilience and constantly staying in a state of numb repression and robotic way of functioning on day to day basis.

To forgive myself- for thinking I can't put forth my opinions and shutting down on my individual voice and just obliging with an ideal picture of myself in order to adapt to others expectations.

To forgive myself - for lying to myself every day just so that I can stay in the victim mode and keep expecting empathy or understanding from outside world and form judgements that I stubbornly stay stuck to.

To forgive myself - for depriving my self of genuine self respect and trying to justify others definitions of who I am and who I should be.

To forgive myself - for not honoring my life space and taking control of my life as my responsibility and choosing to disconnect, stay indifferent at the cost of my inner growth as a person.

Self forgiveness through Ho'oponopono

 We are not victims bound by life, we are our mind interpretations of how situations, context, people in it are received by us through the mind based projections -  the mind has a looping into truth make believes which seems to stick to the web of our karma (either from past births or from present). We exist not because of our mind's perceptions of what life should be, but how many unresolved emotions and unrealized feelings and experiences it had amounted to in spite of our mind and its cognizance of our reality through stacked up memories which need to be lived through and connected with in order to live our lives fully.

We need the past until we free up our consciousness with release from triggers, traumas, and silent sufferings which continue to haunt even in the present and while being technically alive physically at one level, but keeping the portal of the past open much longer than what's needed is a stumbling block in the flow of individual consciousness.

Ho'oponopono, a Hawaiian practice of forgiveness and healing is the point of conjecture where things, memories, triggers, hardened emotions, and stumbling blocks that need to be diluted, let go of to facilitate the flow in the present is enabled through chanting repeatedly "I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you," in order to receive clarity for what can be done today and how to be at peace with oneself.

After all it's not what hurts or who hurts that matters but how long do we hold on to it that does. It saps the energy, the vitality, the vision for our lives from us when we get so stuck on how we should have been treated, or how things should have turned up as per our expectations, and in short all the heavily weighing down rotten fruits of our individual life trees that any how will drop to ground lifeless along with shedding leaves shrouding them as blanket, but before that a small bucket full of ripened life experiences need to be held on to. And all this if we stop looking at our life trees with regrets alone but take pride in how far, how long we have come and how tall we still stand in well earned pride for who we truly are and for what fruitful experiences we bring to this earth.

Ho'oponopono is the mantra of loving release from the grip of unconscious mind as and when it's applied to challenges and problems that are not toxic as we make it out to be, but needed uplifters, blessings in disguise to stir us up and wake us out of the thoughts template that we become accustomed getting stuck in thinking.

The prayer for loving release, seeking forgiveness from our inner child, from all those tightly held memories, dense emotions, echoing triggers and so on is what this ancient Hawaiian mantra is all about. The simple act of self forgiveness for depriving ourselves of embracing our inner truths however unexpected, ugly, too realistic, and utterly simplistic it may be, but the more that we bow our heads in humility to our guiding truths which are our inner wisdom to help us navigate better and travel lighter.

The mind tries to call it the shots as it stages what it perceives as right and does so as a victim, as a bitter, negative, suffering, disappointed role plays and enjoys all the attention it gets by mere daily rehearsal of these on day to day basis as we end up doing and enable the mind to direct us as people and  direct our lives.

We choose to helplessly watch as audience as our life unfolds as the mind takes over and performs for garnering all the pity, sympathy, attention and throws light on others by blame shifting, manipulating, slandering others name and fame, harboring jealousy, greed, and so many other twisted facets that keeps the mind at work under wraps while life happens to us and not through us.

We forget that we are not here for long but hold on to our past negative memories as paraded on centerstage as if our feelings about it is the only important thing that exists and nothing or no one else other than our narrative and projection counts for anything.

Our feelings and emotions around it matter too but the longer we wish to justify hanging on to it and get stuck by not letting go, the harder life feels. Life is here for us and we are here alive participating in it and it's not against us - all it wants from us is to allow for genuine truths to surface through the debris of our echoing shadows, to listen and acknowledge it, to allow the light of our inner wisdom through expanding on our truths guide us far and beyond what the fearful, conditioned mind can conjure up. 

And it's a start of sorts to unwrap the gifts of your life with gratitude because you earned it, because you are grateful for it, and it's a lifetime like no other.