The disintegration that has led my self get so fragmented and so "other" centric and less focused on my real self has been a lot to process and accept as my programming, and I cannot go back in time to "fix" this and have no choice but to accept this truth. I have had a broader sense of me as placed in the flow and energies of others and making way for them and allowing for them to determine my adapting to them as if I don't have a will and boundary of my own to determine.
Making way for others is so much part of me that it becomes detrimental to my self growth and the more I have learnt to do so as means of coping up, as means of my laziness, as means of giving in to stronger willed and controlling people, the more I thought I fit in with the joint family set up that I was a part of. As long as people approve and appreciate my efforts in doing so, then that much I feel validated.
The root problem is my very own ill self validation and lack of vitality and allowing myself to rest and get used to this feeling that this is who I am anyway, all thanks to the physical health issues I seem to have gone through and just giving in to my mother's narrowed way of looking at my health and wellbeing as a way of being loyal to how much money, materials she had brought for me and just repressed my true feelings to come out for decades together.
To become the 'other' in my life is something I am so used to doing and so much so that I completely dissociated and felt forced to want to be alive in the body I am given which I seemed to despise, all thanks to the fears, insecurities, ego, will, possessiveness of my mother that I had absorbed and was attached to and didn't know how to break free from this absorption and enmeshment.
My mother saw me as damaged goods much similar to how she saw my father in the same way and because he had passed away leaving her pregnant with me, her anger, disappointment, a sense of betrayal just took another form while seeing me grow up and having "over sensitivity" and "weak health" as she was apparently frustrated, belittled my health problems in front of other family members, made me feel guilty for being sensitive, and her anger spilled over as no matter how much she tried to control my sensitivity, she couldn't, and I just felt more and more anxious and worried about my next health episode which may again upset her.
This got repeated so much so that I didn't realize I had abandoned my self and left it in the dark so that I can satisfy my mother by being "good enough" for her. Not wanting to discover my true feelings, moods, and my likes, dislikes and so on became my pattern of living and just numbed myself to adhere to becoming the other in my life.
I had to make way for my mother, I had to stretch my personal space to empathize with her and so much so that my personal space became a territory that she could walk in and out of on her own will and wish and even if this were some years ago, but it hurts me, saddens me, as I feel so exploited, so manipulated to give in to her controlling my life as if it were damaged goods that she can poke and prod into and try to fix it and made me feel as if I had no say in it by the way she made me feel.
These are pieces of my fragmented life and I need to acknowledge them as they have made me who I am today - someone who has mourned her past, who still mourns for it, who is trying to forgive herself for who she thought she was and for absorbing and taking in my mother's projections on me more seriously than what I really thought and felt about myself. Mourning also for feeling disempowered as a result and even if my bouts of anger, sadness, breakdowns have come and gone, I just wish to acknowledge that this is still my life whether I felt like I had any say in it or no, and daughters who are born to such controlling, clueless mothers whose words, deeds, behaviors have a huge impact on their daughters that it's still not too late to wake up and take control of your life in your hands the same way I have done.
To come from past shadows into one's own light is painful but totally essential to move on with your life because no matter how much the past might have defined me and all the "over protection" of my mother might have confused, made me feel belittled, lost, and broken, but the essence of who I am as a human, as a work in progress is open until the end of my life. I need my backup, self motivation, and lots of downtime, sleep, nutritious food, laughter, good company, silence, meditations, walking, sunshine, nature and so much more to help integrate my essence into my being which is unfolding beautifully one day at a time.
