Take control of your life

 Taking control of my life is the power that has been missing. Years and years of exhaustion, a feeling of having no choice, and simply giving in to avoid confrontation and being resilient in conflicting situations have been the reason why taking control of my own life felt so alien and like an outsider job. The commitment to be truthful to my life, to being supported, blessed, and protected have all been overlooked by me as if I am the dead end to my life and which in fact I was sadly until I went ahead and explored the truth about how I feel about my life.

Not taking control is not an option but expecting that life turn out this way and that is like wanting to stay stuck in imagination, illusion, and layers of falsehood that I assumed I have full access to as they in turn took control of my everyday reality. It was easy to snuggle in the backseat and want for others to drive me home to my purpose and expectations, and just quit taking control of life as if by habit and weakening my willpower muscle as a result -  I became too tired, too exhausted for no reason apparently as I didn't create reasons enough to stay in control and live within parameters of self regulation and balance and had just adapted to limitations and negativity. But all these had to change in the context of how true I was feeling to not taking control of my life and feeling powerless in being disconnected hence to my life source. I had but no choice but be true to all these and it was emotionally debilitating and I felt scattered and lost in an all new space which I could not control with old mindset and patterns but yet had to keep going by keeping faith in myself.

I tried to wriggle my way out of this as this felt like I was doing it all by myself and the moment of truth that faith is not external but how far will I go within to discover my faith in myself was the challenge. And this has been work in progress. 

Control is an authentic coming home to yourself and staying true to your essence and not using it to disempower others. 

Love thy self and love thy inner divinity

 Believing in myself is the real challenge that has endured the test of time. For it was not easy, not deep seeded, not self worthy enough to want to have faith in myself because of the outer environment that I was trying hard to adapt to. It was more easy hence to neglect myself and just believe in what others had to say and which got absorbed as hardened beliefs. 

To believe that I am capable of receiving God's love and to reciprocate a wholehearted heart filled with love has been an on and off broken phenomenon that is so ego protected that it has taken me lots of letting go and as a result feel more broken but yet whole for owning my grief of not entirely connecting with my self and for staying dissociated for so many years.

Now feeling all this repressed pain and feeling my feelings has been healing and triggering many emotions in turns but am happy that I got to address them as much as possible and also learning to let go and surrender broken parts, sometimes fully fleshed out ones to the feet of God.

And so loving Muruga Perumaan without fear, without doubt, without anxiety, without making myself feel low and trying to prove anything to anyone and just feeling good and having faith in my true feelings for Lord Murugan is the most organic that gets humbly put forth to His feet. 

For loving Muruga means being really true to oneself and trusting the process of growing awareness and intuitions, and deepening one's faith through love and not merely knowledge. Because love fills even those kinds of darkness that one would have been ashamed to have been part of at one time and is not a substitute for infatuation, or showoff, or anything that needs verbal or artistic or whatever material expression that we usually associate love to project - it's one's own insecurities that finds a unique expression and which is tried to discover outside of oneself and is a self fulfilling prophecy in its own way.