Believing in myself is the real challenge that has endured the test of time. For it was not easy, not deep seeded, not self worthy enough to want to have faith in myself because of the outer environment that I was trying hard to adapt to. It was more easy hence to neglect myself and just believe in what others had to say and which got absorbed as hardened beliefs.
To believe that I am capable of receiving God's love and to reciprocate a wholehearted heart filled with love has been an on and off broken phenomenon that is so ego protected that it has taken me lots of letting go and as a result feel more broken but yet whole for owning my grief of not entirely connecting with my self and for staying dissociated for so many years.
Now feeling all this repressed pain and feeling my feelings has been healing and triggering many emotions in turns but am happy that I got to address them as much as possible and also learning to let go and surrender broken parts, sometimes fully fleshed out ones to the feet of God.
And so loving Muruga Perumaan without fear, without doubt, without anxiety, without making myself feel low and trying to prove anything to anyone and just feeling good and having faith in my true feelings for Lord Murugan is the most organic that gets humbly put forth to His feet.
For loving Muruga means being really true to oneself and trusting the process of growing awareness and intuitions, and deepening one's faith through love and not merely knowledge. Because love fills even those kinds of darkness that one would have been ashamed to have been part of at one time and is not a substitute for infatuation, or showoff, or anything that needs verbal or artistic or whatever material expression that we usually associate love to project - it's one's own insecurities that finds a unique expression and which is tried to discover outside of oneself and is a self fulfilling prophecy in its own way.
